I like reading studies that come out about relationships. Some are kind of BS, especially when it’s a poll of say 100 people. I mean, is that really reflective of the population as a whole? But some come out that are just plain ridiculous.
Case in point: I was reading an article in TheAwl (awesome site, btw) and came across a recent study from my home state of Texas. The University of Texas researchers who led it did four national surveys of young college-goers aged 18-23, and found that when a woman is successful, she has less of a chance of finding a good partner. Really? At 23?
Here’s what one of the researchers says:
In American colleges, 57 percent of students are women and 43 percent are men. That’s a radical reversal of where we were 30 or 40 years ago. Presuming that people are attracted to people who are like them educationally, it means looking for secure relationships becomes challenging because the sex ratio is so imbalanced.
That’s a terrible environment to try to get men to commit. The women wind up competing with each other — not necessarily to marry because they’re not interested in marriage at that point — but they compete with each other to attract men. How do you compete with other women to attract men? Well, sex is the way to get his attention. It’s the opposite of a cartel effect where women would say, “All right, we need to band together and artificially restrict the price of sex and get it high, even if we don’t want to, in order to extract things from men.” It used to be women would shame each other for selling low.
People try to look for the message here about women — am I being hard on women, am I being soft on women? Neither one. I’m just saying women have had extreme successes — which is fantastic! — it’s just those successes don’t translate to success in the relationship field. Individual women can still have it all, and plenty do, but if you take a step back and look at the whole scene, women are not as successful in relationships as perhaps they once were…
…This is where I get a little bit controversial and people don’t like what I have to say. I don’t think it’s in women’s interest to play the field for a long period of time. It can get depressing, not only about their relationships but to see the pool of men in their 30s who are available. My advice is if you find somebody who you love and who loves you, make it work, whatever it takes! To always think that something better is down the pathway, you might be mistaken.
So, I guess this study wraps up the men-women dynamic when it comes to dating. That’s all there is to it, people. Assuming that we’re living in 1952 and the goal of all women who go to college is to get married. And to get married, they withhold sex.
First of all, 50% of marriages end in divorce, and about 43% of the American adult population is single. Almost half, and the majority are older than 23. So I don’t think the 1950’s attitude was very helpful. But apparently by the time we hit 30 we have no options, so we must hold onto somebody, anybody who will have us when we are young.
Personally, when I was 23, I had no idea of what I wanted in a relationship, nor did I want to get married. All that came later, after I had a few life-changing experiences under my belt. You see, we don’t stop growing at 23. In fact, we’re just beginning. If I had married the boyfriend I had at 23, we would be divorced or unhappy. We’re such radically different people now.
Well, I don’t want to go on and on about this. I know many people see dating as competition. But it shouldn’t be. There are a lot of singles in this country, on this planet. Most are not right for us, but at least we can assume that some are out of 96 million people.
So ladies, go on with your successful selves and do what you want, at whatever age you are—enjoy your single lives, meet lots of men, or get married if you feel like it. This isn’t a competition. Dating is hard, but it’s not hopeless.
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Badonlinedates.com , Kelly Seal. Kelly Seal said: New post: Dating as competition http://www.kellyseal.com/?p=641 […]