Break-ups suck. And they always seem to come at the worst times. It’s like your significant other is standing around waiting for you to get fired from your job or for your grandmother to enter the hospital before he drops the break-up bomb on you.
Why am I writing about break-ups? I’ve had several friends in the last couple of weeks who have been dealing with their own. And while break-ups are a normal part of our lives – not every partnership is going to last forever – they can also feel like they are cracking your soul wide open for the vultures to feed off of. I remember one particularly awful break-up where I spent several months on the verge of tears. Driving in my car, I’d hear a song come on and lose it. Or I’d pass by the bar where we had our first date and wander in by myself, hoping he’d be there. Or embarrassingly enough, once I was on the phone with a reporter, pitching a story, and suddenly I broke down in tears. Imagine trying to back my way out of that one.
Selena back with the Biebs…again.
Some break-ups have that kind of impact.
But then I was thinking about something that’s even worse than the break-up. Maybe you can relate. Is there someone in your romantic past who broke your heart and has sauntered back into your life, without your beckoning? Did you put him off, weary of his intentions, or take a chance and leap into the great unknown all over again?
This is a difficult thing. After all, you did love him once. And you saw good things in him. Maybe the good guy has been buried underneath his jerkish exterior, and now you see you are the only one to save him! If only this were true, it would be a lovely story. Sadly, it’s not.
My inbox gets crammed with emails from well-intentioned romantic “experts” who claim they can help you get your ex back. Apparently, there are well-guarded secrets, and if only you knew how to access them, you could rekindle that old flame. This kind of thing makes me cringe for many reasons. First, it plays on people’s hopes. Sure, it might work for a few cases where you both still love each other, but for the most part, there’s a reason why you broke up. And if you’re waiting for the other person to change, then you’ll be waiting a very long time. Life doesn’t work this way. Usually a break-up is an opportunity to see where your strengths and weaknesses are when it comes to relationships, so you can move on to a healthier, more fulfilling relationship in the future.
So if you’re toying with the idea of going back to your ex, you aren’t alone. Many of us have that secret hope that somehow this time it will be different. He (or she) will be different.
But often we end up disappointed and angry with ourselves for giving in, for thinking it could work.
Maybe you disagree, but I think if you break up, there’s a good reason why you did. So don’t rewrite history and make yourself believe things were rosier than they probably were. Think about how you communicate with each other, whether you really understand how each other operates, whether you can truly count on him/her to be honest and stand with you when you’re crying in the bathroom in the middle of the night or when you need someone to cook you some chicken soup when you’re sick. And ask yourself the same thing – could you be there for him at his worst, too?
I guess all I’m saying is, think twice before getting back together with someone who didn’t do right by you. If you must try, then take things slowly. Observe. Build trust. See what happens.
And if he isn’t what you want, don’t make excuses for him or think he’ll change. Maybe it’s just time to move on.
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
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