What makes you happy? And if you’re not, what do you think it will take to get there?
I think about this question from time to time, because when I was younger, I was always looking outside myself at what could make me happy. First it was toys and the approval of friends. Then as I got older, a new pair of shoes, a good cocktail, a vacation, or of course – a man.
Who doesn’t want a fabulous guy to swoop in and take you to exciting places, shower you with affection, share your most intimate secrets, and be there for you anytime you want to have sex? We think all of these things can make us happy. And yes – they are amazing and wonderful and all that. But in a relationship, you also have individual needs. You want to find your own happiness, too – explore new things, see what floats your proverbial boat. This never goes away, whether you’re in a relationship or not.
But here’s the awful truth: It’s tempting to believe that a man – being exactly who we want him to be – is responsible for our happiness. So we do this. A lot.
We’re always chasing happiness to some degree. There are a ton of best-selling books with happiness in the title, telling us how to achieve it (The Happiness Project), where the happiest people live (The Geography of Bliss), and even for those with the lowest expectations – how to improve our outlook (10% Happier).
Yes, there’s a lot of advice out there. Including books that tell you happiness can be found in that perfect guy.
Here’s what I know, and what I talk about in my new book Date Expectations: Happiness is a choice. Specifically, your own happiness is your own choice. Every minute of every day, we can either pine for a future self that is more happy with a new house, a new job, the right man – or we can choose in this moment, right now, to understand and appreciate what we do have. To be happy.
I know, it sounds cliche. But bear with me, because it’s true.
I recently did an interview with The Urban Dater, where I said one of the most important things you can do to meet the right man is: make yourself happy. Do things that fulfill you, that get you excited, that make you want to leap out of bed in the morning. Make time for these things – whether it’s surfing, yoga, reading, traveling. Whatever. If it makes you happy, then do it. Nourish yourself first. Don’t look to other people to do it for you.
I’ve met a lot of folks in my life who look at everyone and everything around them to assign blame for their own unhappiness. They point fingers and make accusations. “He cheated on me, so he ruined me for all other men.” Or, “If I had gotten married when I was 25 instead of looking for someone better I’d have what I want right now.” The truth is, blaming others isn’t going to suddenly make everything ok. It isn’t going to make your world better. In fact, it isn’t going to prepare you to look for the amazing things that will pop into your life unexpectedly.
Blame only makes your world smaller. You can’t see anything else when you’re so busy focusing anger on one point. You miss everything. You aren’t really living.
So, what makes you happy? Nobody else can answer that. Nobody else can be that. It’s all you. And that is a good thing. That is true power.
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
It’s so true…we have to DO what makes us happy! Why is that so hard for us to understand??? Great post!
I completely agree! It’s up to us to be fulfilled and happy ourselves and not count on someone else to “complete us”.