Ok, I’m cheating a little. I want to tell you guys 2 things, but I wanted to have both in the headline. So, vacation meets monogamy. Sort of.
First, let me tell you that I will be gone for the next couple of weeks for my first family reunion in Italy…with most of my cousins, aunts, uncles, and distant relatives I’ve never met but who are Italian and so of course I will love them. How can you not love the language, the food, the lifestyle?…sigh. Anyway, I will be sure to update you when I return, but I’m not really trusting my Inter-Web connection while I’m there because I’ll be staying in a converted farmhouse in a little town called Forenza. The entire town can be circled in about a fifteen-minute walk. So…I think you get what I’m saying about maybe not being kind to my Internet needs. I will make the disclaimer that I won’t be posting until the end of June, just to be safe.
Ok, now on to…monogamy. I was listening to NPR today, who was taking advantage of the whole Weinergate scandal to discuss whether monogamy is even relevant in an age of social media, Internet porn, etc. We can fulfill all of our darkest fantasies with a click of a button or mouse, so has monogamy become irrelevant, or unsustainable? Or are we just more tolerant of cheating behavior since it’s all around us? Our politicians, celebrities, and sports heroes cheat…even over Twitter. Why not us?
Hmm. It was an interesting conversation because it seems even though the media and Congress have villanized Weiner, many people don’t think monogamy is so important in relationships. While this is an interesting idea to consider, and I’ve certainly dated men who didn’t believe in monogamy (whether they admitted this to me or not…), I have to say that for me, intimacy is about trust. So monogamy is something that I want in a relationship. I have to be able to trust my partner…emotionally, physically, etc. I’m not into sharing.
I was a little annoyed by the discussion, and not because monogamy seemed to be an outdated concept among the listeners, but because unfortunately, women seem to be a side note instead of front and center in the debate. I mean, the conversation focused on open relationships and men communicating with their wives/ girlfriends about their need to “spread their seed” biologically speaking, so naturally men are not born to be monogamous. But women are the ones raising children, and who traditionally have been at home caring for them while the men go out and provide. So therefore, monogamy becomes important to women for keeping together the family unit. For men, not so much. This is the basic disconnect.
I realize that the cheating husband with his mistress on the side is the usual stereotype, but I disagree with the justification for open relationships simply because it’s a biological trait in men to have more than one partner. Both men and women are attracted to others, even when they are in relationships. Both can act on their impulses when they are approached. But many don’t. Not all men cheat, and not all women want monogamy. It’s a choice, plain and simple. Not biology. It’s about being a grown-up, making choices, and communicating with each other. It’s about not being selfish when you’re in a relationship.
And as one listener pointed out, cheating has been going on a long time…it’s just that now, women don’t have to accept it. It’s not that it’s happening more, it’s that it’s being talked about because women are more empowered than they were in 1952. (Again, women aren’t the only ones being cheated on. Look at AshleyMadison.)
Sorry for the rant. I’m curious to hear from those in open relationships (it’s ok to be anonymous and email me if you want). Did your spouse persuade you to try, or did you do the persuading? Do you think your relationship is better as a result? Do you think men are naturally NOT monogamous?
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
hey! um, first of all, i think we’re going to be friends, just based on what i’ve seen here. and what I’ve seen is good.
um, i’m italian and obsessed with ALL THINGS ITALY. i actually got to tour italy when i went to school in europe and OMG it was everything i thought it would be. you’ll have such an amazing time. Nothing you can’t love about it.
Have fun!
Thank you!! It was fantastic…the food, the atmosphere, the scenery. It was our very first family reunion, which was also much cooler than I expected, considering we were all on a bus together for 10 days touring the countryside. Anyway, I miss it already…