Full disclosure: I’m not a big fan of Tinder, just saying. It makes apps like Lulu necessary, IMHO. (This isn’t so great for you, guys.)
Don’t get me wrong. I love dating technology. It means that we can meet more people we wouldn’t otherwise meet in “real” life – that is, through friends or parties or standing in line at Starbucks. It means we can download an app like Tinder while we are bored and waiting for a friend at a bar, swiping left or right to see who we get next.
But it also means that we have this weird perception now that there is this endless supply of people to date. And we get oddly addicted to swiping through profiles, looking at photos, and playing hot or not. Like people are expendable. Like we can tell from a few photos whether someone is worth our time.
Tinder is such an integral part of dating now that it’s become a verb. Celebrities use it, or at least their characters use it (right Mindy Kaling?). It’s great that a simple dating app can attract so many users – it’s part of the appeal of more and more people using it – but does it make for better dating?
Tinder is kind of an excuse to date but not really date.
It makes Lulu – where girls can rate guys like a Yelp for dating – a necessary evil, though this isn’t a good way to date either. Do you always trust the opinion of other women when it comes to who’s right for you? Do you always go to the restaurant Yelp users suggest? You shouldn’t.
When you have such instant access to people, there’s not much of an investment of time in getting to know them. It’s more superficial. Why should you really get to know the person sitting in front of you when your app is just lying there, waiting for the date to be over so you can continue to scroll through and see more people? It’s more like a game of seeing what your options are than finding a real relationship.
You might call bullshit on me – like I’m assuming that daters have the attention span of gnats. Some do, but many don’t. While all these gadgets make meeting people more exciting and accessible, it’s up to us as individuals to develop better dating habits. An app can’t help you find the perfect person – that is all about connecting at a personal level.
I think in fact, apps like Tinder are making understanding what we want more and more elusive.
It’s good to ask ourselves – “what do I really want?” – and be honest with our answers. Maybe right now you aren’t looking for a relationship. Or maybe you’re afraid of letting yourself get too close to any one person. Or maybe you’re ready to meet someone great but are too scared to try other means of meeting people – like online dating. So Tinder is working for you.
But if Tinder isn’t working for you, maybe it’s time to put your phone down and get to know that person sitting across from you a bit better first.
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About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
I really like what you said about connecting on a personal level. These days with online dating and so many apps…it’s hard to *feel* connected with someone. Take the opportunity when you have someone in front of you to make an effort to connect…put the phone down until you get home at least!
Thanks Meena. I understand the attraction of Tinder. It’s addictive, accessible, easy, etc. But how real is it? I don’t know – at the end of the day, you are still two people sitting across from each other trying to see if there’s some connection. That is, if you’re not glancing down at your phone. 🙂
Tinder reminds me of “Hot or Not?” I had no idea what it was prior to reading this, but after Googling it, I can see what all of the hype is about. Seems more like something to do than a dating site to me. However, we all like perusing photos for hot people, so I guess it has it’s purpose! 🙂
Hey Kelly — I love what you did with the place. 🙂
I have, accidentally, stumbled over a solution to all Tinder & Co. problems: I don’t own a phone!
If I wanna gawk at hot pics, I’ll pick a mag. If I wanna explore content and form, I browse online profiles. Technology is to facilitate meeting people, til ‘the one’ emerges from the pack, victorious of our heart.
Thanks Wilmaryad! It’s been a while. 🙂 I’m not opposed to meeting people through a phone. I’m just opposed to the fact that we treat meeting people more like a game (right Q?). We behave badly because it’s easy to do this – there’s no accountability. If you’ve met your BF/GF on Tinder though, I wanna know. Email or message me!