I’m actually going to talk about politics in this post, sort of. Lately our country has become more polarized…you’re either a Sarah Palin Mamma grizzly or you’re a pot-smoking hippie freak liberal. Apparently there is nothing in-between anymore, at least according to talk show hosts. (And don’t let me get started on how our “news shows” are more like celebrity-making vehicles…I’m talking to you, Glenn Beck!)
This polarization got me wondering how it affects our dating lives. I’ve been out with men who had radically different political opinions from me. Some were very calm and rational when we disagreed. Others would get angry and completely dismiss my opinion. One even liked to taunt me on Facebook by making completely close-minded, intolerant statements, just because he knew it pissed me off and I had to argue back. I eventually de-friended him because he pissed off my friends, including my old boss. (Awkward!)
Dating and politics is a funny thing. Obviously, we’re not going to find someone who agrees with everything we believe 100%. Each person has his own perception of things, each person is shaped by his environment (family, friends, religion, etc.). So, trying to find that one person who completely agrees with you politically speaking would be difficult if not impossible. But if you don’t share basic political beliefs, can relationships fall apart?
Then there are the shining examples of couples making it work…like Mary Matalin and James Carville. Mary is conservative and James is liberal, yet they’ve been married for almost 20 years. Do they agree to not discuss politics at home? Do they pretend the outside world doesn’t exist when they are together? Is it because of the pink house they share?
Political discussions become hostile because we consider our beliefs as part of what we value. Do we want to help others who are struggling to make ends meet despite working hard, or do we want to live the American dream by making money and protecting our children from the evil out in the world? Two very different ways of viewing the world make for uncomfortable arguments.
In the end, it’s about tolerance and respect. Even if you disagree with your boyfriend/ girlfriend about a subject, do you let them argue their point? Do you really listen? It’s not about changing your mind, it’s about letting the other person express himself. If that isn’t present in a relationship, then you really don’t have much to work with.
Which is why I couldn’t continue to date the Facebook guy. He used politics as a weapon, and as a shield. He had his guard up with me all the time. He couldn’t understand my beliefs, he could only make fun of me for being naive and–*gasp*–liberal. In essence, he treated me with disrespect.
I had another boyfriend who held some conservative beliefs. He was religious and from a traditional family. My experience with him was different; he respected my opinions even though he didn’t agree. It didn’t work out with us for other reasons.
I took an informal poll on Twitter this week, and most people argued that they couldn’t date someone who was closed-minded about social issues that conflicted with their values, like being against gay marriage. Although this is a political battle being held right now, it’s more of a basic human rights issue. When it comes to basic rights, I have to agree…there really is no middle ground. How can you have a relationship with someone who doesn’t consider all people of equal value? What would he/she then think of you in the context of the relationship?
Politics can be rough. People are fearful right now. There’s a lot of uncertainty. But I hope there is also enough tolerance and optimism so that the “two sides” can come together without being ruled by fear and misinformation. Maybe dating across party lines is the answer…
Any thoughts?
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
My wife and I just happen to believe the same things when it comes to politics.
I’ll take this a step further. I even have a hard time being friends with people with opposing political views because of how polarized the country is. I certainly would have a hard time making new friends with someone who voiced their ignorant opinions. But with my old friends, we agree to not discuss politics.
And dating someone who believed strongly against something I believed in strongly, forget it.
I wrote about politics and dating about a year ago, and of course I too mentioned Carville and Matalin but I think that things are so much more polarized now. I do agree that it is about respect, but I do think that there are certain core values that you have to have in common. My husband and I have very similar views, which is helpful, especially since it colors the way we teach our children about the world. I think raising kids and deciding what to teach them would be the hardest part of having very different political views.
I don’t believe dating and polotics go together, I would rather keep hush hush on the topic. It always turns out he is always right.
I do think it can work (there are many examples) but in my opinion, sharing similar beliefs usually leads to a stronger relationship. If you are truly passionate about your political views and your partner is the exact opposite, it can cause big conflicts.
You could choose to not talk about it between each other but that’s not always a solution. Personally, I hold my political views dearly and would struggle with a partner who had radically different ideals. But it if works for a couple (like your example), I am all for it. Very thought-provoking post.