I’m happy to share with you a guest post from Anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher, who has consulted for Match.com and now runs a new website called Anatomy of Love. The topic is about marrying young – so if you have wedding plans and you’re 24 years old, take heart – this is for you. (Spoiler alert: getting married young can be…gulp…fun!)
Marrying young was an expected course of events in the 1950s, when a single income based on a high school education was sufficient to support a family. As social and economic realities have changed, however, the average age for a first marriage has increased significantly. According to 2014 Census data, men now marry at just under 30 years old, while women marry at approximately 27. Couples who wish to get married younger usually face a barrage of questions and concerns from well-meaning friends and relatives. Is there anything to these arguments? Are couples who marry young really destined for divorce? Let’s take a look at the most common myths.
Myth: You Won’t Enjoy Your 20s
As the concepts of childhood and adolescence have increasingly lengthened, your 20s are now considered the time to spread your wings, take risks, and try out new life experiences. A quick Google search will reveal hundreds of articles with such titles as “30 Places to Visit Before You Turn 30” and “20 Not to Be Missed Experiences in Your 20s.” The idea is that you are old enough and responsible enough to pay for and handle solo travel, but young enough not to be tied down and unable to get away.
Where the argument breaks down, however, is in the presumption that you have to be single to make the most of new experiences. Many people do not care for modern hookup culture. Many do not have the personality type to be comfortable exploring new places entirely on their own. No one suggests that these experiences are somehow lessened if you travel with a friend, so why would sharing them with your best friend, who also happens to be your spouse, be any less fulfilling?
Perhaps the argument is based on a highly outdated view of marriage—that it signals an adulthood that is not fun or spontaneous, revolves solely around bills and raising children, and renders you either unable or unworthy to find the joy in life. For most of us living in the 21st century, that type of marriage is something we would never choose, so taking on new experiences with a spouse can actually be even more exciting than doing them on your own.
Myth: You Need to Grow Up First
This goes along with the above mentioned outdated concept of marriage. In order to be married, the thinking goes, you need to be “mature” and “settled.” Marriage is serious business and hard work, so you have to be “ready” to handle it. In reality, marriage does indeed take hard work, but that’s true whether you marry at 20 or 40. By marrying young, you have the opportunity to grow up together, figuring out what works for you as a couple and learning to live with each other. By the time you are “settled,” whatever that actually means, you will already know how to keep things running smoothly, rather than being set in your ways and having to learn new routines to successfully add a new partner.
Myth: You’ll Be Poor and Miserable
Unless you have a trust fund or are extremely lucky, you will face economic hardships in your 20s. Going to school, starting a new career, establishing independence—none of these factors lend themselves to a corner office and a six figure salary right off the bat. Whether or not you are married has very little to do with whether you spend a few years living poor. If anything, marriage opens up more possibilities for handling and improving your financial situation. You might take turns supporting each other through college or trade school. You might decide to postpone having children for a few years. You might live on student loans or take odd jobs or rent a big house with several other young couples. As long as you are committed to each other and have a general plan in mind, you can work through the hardships of early marriage and develop a stronger relationship as a result.
Myth: You’ll Grow Apart
It is true that not all marriages last forever. Growing apart is always a risk, no matter how old you are when you marry. But young married couples also have the very real possibility of growing together—building strong, deep bonds rooted in shared history. Those who wait until later in life to marry must figure out how to rearrange their settled lives to include a spouse, and sometimes have trouble making that transition.
Marrying young, like any other life-changing decision, is a highly personal choice that should only be undertaken after logically weighing all of the factors. Life comes with no guarantees, and all you can do is make a strong commitment to honor your vows and do the best you can. Regardless, marrying young in and of itself is not an automatic sentence to divorce.
Looking for verifiable information on the science of attraction and relationships? We’re a neuroscientist and a biological anthropologist eager to help you put the Anatomy of Love to work in your own life.
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
Leave a Reply