Tina Tobin from LuvemorLeavem.com posed this question to her advice panel (shameless plug here, as I’m on it)…but it HAS gotten me thinking. Would you get back together with your ex?
I’ve entertained the idea of getting back together with an ex. In fact, I have gotten back together. Twice. But I regret doing it, because I knew in the back of my mind despite my heart’s protesting that he was the only man for me…it wasn’t going to work. And it didn’t.
So…was it a failure (twice) because I went into it knowing that it ultimately wouldn’t work out, or is getting back with your ex just a lose-lose situation in most cases?
Several of my girlfriends have become entangled in the ex situation recently, so it’s of particular importance to me now. I hate seeing them hurt. And these guys have hurt them before. A lot.
The thing is, I think it’s important to remember WHY you broke up in the first place. Was he an ass to your friends? Did he treat you with disrespect? These things are non-negotiable. Stay away. But what if it was bad timing, or something that was external, like a religious difference? Then things get trickier.
To me, timing is everything. I’ve been in relationships where everything would have been perfect, except the timing was off. But are things really so simple? That is the story I told myself about one relationship in particular, but actually, he was unable to commit. I wanted a real, grown-up relationship that was headed somewhere, and he wanted to continue playing. I knew better. My gut knew better.
Another one of my friends is waiting, waiting for the same thing…a form of commitment that hasn’t happened. They get back together again and again, but things always end the same. Another friend is in love with a man who is emotionally and physically unavailable (read into this what you will), but she still goes back. Yet another friend was hoping that things would be different with her ex this time around. He’d grown up. They had the same goals, he was willing to compromise in terms of religious differences. They took things slowly. But then he started in with the same controlling behavior that made her flee before.
I hear the same thing from these friends: I love him. There is nobody else like him. I’ll never feel the same intense chemistry with anyone else…I still haven’t.
From my own personal experience, this line of reasoning is not only false, but self-destructive. Sure, we can all tell ourselves that we’ll never have this kind of love again, but how do we know? This makes us discount any future love we may encounter. If we continue to pine for our exes, we never really set ourselves free. You have to make a clean break. And then not panic when you are alone. Being alone won’t last forever…only until your next relationship. Take things one step at a time.
I’m glad things didn’t work out with my ex in the end. If they had, I wouldn’t know the relationship I now have with my husband, which is so different and so much more fulfilling. It might have taken many years and many bad dates to happen, but it did.
Some of you may disagree, especially if you’ve had successful ex-reunions. But I can’t get over the feeling that if you get back together with an ex, it’s to resolve the issues that you couldn’t resolve before. It’s the same crap, lather, rinse, repeat. So, hopefully you will end up in a better place than you did before, but you’ll likely encounter the same obstacles.
Have you successfully gotten back together with an ex? How did it work?
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
Hi Kelly!
I suppose one of the most comforting things about breaking up with someone is that you can always get back together. But I agree that you should really remember why you broke up with someone in the first place!
Anyway, congrats on being married!!! WOW!!!! xoxo
Raina!! So glad you stopped by…how is the infinite garage doing now??
We have to get together soon!
I do think that reuniting with an ex usually ends badly, plus it does often start you on that perpetual on again off again relationship cycle. I know a handful of couples that have successfully reunited, but it is very rare. You have it right about not even trying if your only reason is being lonely or being convinced that there is no one that will be as special as your ex.
My partner and I really enjoyed reading this blog post, I was just itching to know do you trade featured posts? I am always trying to find someone to make trades with and merely thought I would ask.