Whenever I talk with someone about dating, the subject of texting inevitably comes up. Most people want to know the “sweet spot” – the perfect period of time to wait before texting the object of your affection so that you look interested, but not desperate. Then I read this excellent advice piece on LifeHacker and got inspired to write up something myself.
Yes, texting chicken is a game all of us have played at some point. Earlier versions of texting chicken include: How many days do I wait before calling a woman who gave me her phone number? Or even: Should I text or call her back?
The thing is, thanks to the fact that the vast majority of us always have our phones at our fingertips, it’s hard to play the waiting game. When you send a text, chances are she got it. But she doesn’t answer right away, which is when the panic starts to set in. Here’s how it usually goes in your head—(if you are anything like me):
After one minute: She’s not answering. Is she not interested? Did I say something wrong? Did I come across as too pushy, or too indifferent, or too boring?
After five minutes: Maybe she’s in a meeting.
After twenty minutes: Maybe she’s waiting to respond so she doesn’t look obsessive. Not that I am either.
After a couple of hours: Maybe her phone died.
After a day: There’s no chance. She probably hates me. Why did I send that text so soon???
You know the drill. When we are interested, we want to play it right. We don’t want to screw up. But here’s the thing: if she’s really interested, she’ll respond. Even if you weren’t the most creative or clever guy. She’ll send you a text, she’ll make a joke, she’ll tell you if she’s busy or able to get together. There’s not a lot of ambiguity.
The problem starts when we read into the timing. If you send the text, you have to sit back and trust in the Universe. You can’t obsess over whether or not you did something wrong.
Instead of thinking that the secret to success is how and when you respond – start thinking in terms of face-to-face contact. Focus on meeting her in person and making up your mind about her then – instead of how to send the perfect text at the perfect time to this Tinder image you’ve already decided is your soul mate.
It all comes down to your chemistry–something intangible, not the timing of your text. When you send a text, it shows you are interested. Don’t be ambiguous about it or vague. Own it. You won’t woo her by saying “hey, what’s up?” but you can woo her by saying you’d like to meet her for a drink on Wednesday and asking if she’s free. Make some concrete, real-life plans. That’s hot. If she doesn’t respond, her loss – on to the next!
This is the other thing: when you spend too much time making flirty text banter with someone you met over Tinder, you build up your expectations of the other person, when in reality, they might be nothing like their “texting persona.” So keep your expectations in check by getting to the real date first. Then decide how you feel.
If you are reaching out to someone you have already met in person and don’t want to seem to eager, then keep focusing on the next date rather than having multiple conversations over text. Make plans IRL.
XO,
Kelly
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
Leave a Reply