Hi again…I feel like I’ve been gone for many months, and I apologize. It’s been a crazy few weeks, for various reasons. I will be blogging more in the upcoming weeks, so please don’t go anywhere!
This particular subject is one close to my heart. I’m engaged to a man with kids. That’s right. Engaged. I’m letting the cat out of the bag. And the thing is, I’m getting married soon. Very soon, which is why I haven’t been writing much lately.
I never pictured myself dating someone with kids, let alone marrying him. I always filtered single Dads out of my online dating searches. But the thing is, I probably filtered out some really great people because of it. After all, when men have kids, you get to see who they really are by how they act as parents. i must admit, it’s a very attractive thing to see a man being a great father, which i have seen.
But there is the other side, too. I don’t always come first in the relationship. He is great at balancing, for which I’m thankful, but sometimes my frustration comes second to an urgent need to retrieve his daughter’s favorite pair of jeans which were left at her Mom’s house. Sometimes getting the girls out the door and to school takes a slight miracle. These are things I didn’t expect.
The thing is, I always wanted a relationship…a husband, kids…a family. I just didn’t expect to inherent an instant family. i thought it would be a slow process of creating one. But life has a way of laughing at what we expect from it, no?
What I also haven’t expected is how welcoming my soon-to-be stepdaughters have been. I’m not the evil stepmom. They don’t expect their parents to get back together. They don’t seem to be affected by my presence…in fact, they seem to like me a lot. I grew up with two parents who stayed married, so I have no idea what it’s like to be a kid of divorced parents. I’m lucky in ways they are not, but they are still so happy to have me as part of their lives.
Dating someone with kids is tricky..as rewarding as it is hard. I still feel like I’m getting my sea legs, and sometimes I wonder how long that feeling will last. But I do know that I feel lucky. And grateful. And extremely happy with my new instant life.
So, should you date someone with kids? Only you can answer that question, but if you have an openness to it, you shouldn’t be afraid. Since I witnessed my fiance being such a great Dad, it made it easy to fall in love with him. Maybe that’s what went wrong before—I never quite trusted what I saw in men. I only saw their dating behavior, not the real people underneath. When men are Dads, you get to see who they really are.
Anyway, I’m grateful for the unexpected. So keep watch for it, always.
Now I’m off to buy about 12 cases of wine…(we’re throwing a party).
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
I have to agree that sometimes it is worth dating outside your box: i.e. a man with kids. I definitely fell more in love with Mr. E once I saw how wonderful a Dad he was. It was very easy to picture seeing myself having a family with him. It didn’t hurt that he has amazing, loving kids who embraced me so openly too. Congratulations on the engagement and upcoming wedding!
Thanks so much! It’s definitely a transition…so many things to consider and pay attention to.
It’s funny…I am a single mom with two young boys and I won’t even think about dating someone unless they have been married before and have kids…I just feel like single dads “get it”…Maybe I should step out of my box too. Thanks for opening my eyes.
Hey He Who Laughs…thanks for stopping by! It means a lot to me that you might try dating someone with no kids. I think we’re all surprised by what we’re capable of, and how we find what we’re looking for where we don’t expect it. Good luck with dating and your boys!
Wow, that is such fantastic news – congratulations! I’ve missed reading your posts, but it’s great to know that it’s because you were out there building a whole new life.
My sister-in-law inherited a ready-made family of two little girls when she married my brother, adding her own little girl to the mix they were an instant family of five! Twenty-four years, two more children (five altogether!) and four grandchildren later, they are still very much together and very happy.
Family is very much what you make it and I’m sure you’ll be a great step-mum. Good luck and best wishes for a wonderful future!
I think sometimes that the situations we would never imagine ourselves in are the ones that teach us the most. I wouldn’t rule it out for myself either, because you just never know. In the end, we all have varying levels of baggage, but you found a man you love who loves you… that is the most important thing of all 🙂
I wish you all the best of luck and congratulations on your engagement!!
It sounds like you have a great situation with the girls liking you and not seeing you as a barrier to their parents getting back together. I think that this is the toughest possible situation for future step parents. It’s true that kids some first in so many ways. When our boys were smaller my husband used to joke that he couldn’t slide any further down the totem pole after our second son was born.
I think the important thing is that even if a man needs to sometimes put their children ahead of their relationship, at least he is showing that he can put someone’s needs above his own (because let’s face it, some guys can’t put anyone’s needs above their own.) As the kids get older and more independent, they do get less and less needy, which is a big help.
I had to laugh about getting the kids out of the house in the morning, because that is a challenge I’ve been dealing with for 13 years (although the reasons why it is so difficult have changed over time.)
Hope you’ll post at least a few wedding photos after the big day.
Tuppence—thanks so much for sharing and for your kind words. I like hearing success stories! When I go on stepmom blogs, it’s mostly bitching about kids, which I don’t care to do. Anyway, congrats to your brother, that is fantastic!
Charlotte – it’s true, we all have baggage. The key is figuring out where to draw the line in what you are willing to accept, and where to let go. I’ve learned that when a relationship works, I can be a bit more brave than i thought. I think a lot of people can be.
Tina – it depends how the pics turn out, but I will try! 🙂 Thanks for the advice—I’m new to this parenting thing. It’s a bit challenging. But I hope that I’m able to balance things over time (relationship/kids/friends). It’s the same in any relationship I think—all about balance.
Congratulations!! That’s great news.
I agree sometimes one has to think out of the box, like you said you could have missed out on the one maybe. You can also see how the man with kids are, gentle or strick, and how he will be with you.
I would say it depends on where you are in your life, kids can bring lots of joy into one’s life.
Expecting to meet my boyfriend’s daughter, I feel excited because I know she’s a good kid, but I have a lot of fears of how’s going to be the transition and if she’s going to love me as in your experience. I’ve got the feeling that there’s a long road to go before she accepts me, mainly because of her mother’s voice.
When I dated online I also filtered single Dads out of my searches also, and of course the age difference was a critical factor. As you pointed out “life has a way of laughing at what we expect from it, no?” Now I’m more reserved before I say something like”I’d never do this”, because life likes to give me surprises.
Thanks for sharing your stories of success, I needed to read something like that.
Hope someone can shed some light for me.
I met a guy w/ 2 kids who is now 6 yrs divorced. We have fallen in love with eachother and feel great around one another too. But we seem to be stuck in a place now that we can get over. He ignores me when he has plans with his kids. He ignores my calls, texts and any form of communication. Come on, I get it! He loves his children, but why start a relationship if he cant balance ALL the people in his life? Am I being too harsh, jealous, or just asking for too much? Im new at this situation and dont know whats right or wrong.
It’s not something I saw myself doing either, but it was so easy to fall in love with a dad, seeing how awesome he was with his kids, meant I knew he was going to be damn awesome with mine!
Sierra—thanks for your comment. I love your blog! It’s definitely a rollercoaster ride being a stepmother. I never knew that so many “emergencies” could exist. Sigh. Glad to know about your blog.