It’s that time folks…I’m gonna talk about money. Specifically when it comes to dating.
Actually, the reason I’ve been obsessing about this topic is because it’s the subject of the latest chapter in my book-in-progress. When I’m on a date and the check comes, or even when I’m planning where to meet a date (after the initial coffee shop meeting), I panic. What if I pick someplace too expensive? What if I offer to pay and he’s offended? What if I don’t offer to pay and he thinks I’m a gold-digger? We’re in a recession after all—shouldn’t we all be more considerate when it comes to how much money we spend, even on our dates?
I thought the key to monetary peace was offering to split the bill, but frankly, my track record with money etiquette and dating is so bad that I don’t even trust this advice. But maybe I’m obsessing over nothing. Let me back up.
I’ve been on dates where the guy conveniently left his wallet at home. When it happened twice with the same guy, I got the picture. I’ve also been on dates with a man who was a struggling screenwriter living out of his car and on friends’ couches, so I offered to pay whenever we went out. I never felt like he was taking advantage because he’d do things for me like cook a fabulous dinner and present me with little thoughtful gifts (poems, not flowers). But it did bother me, and I did break up with him. (Don’t judge…Could you date a guy who lives out of his car?) Anyway, on a first date, I usually offered my credit card. Some guys were surprised and thankful, but there were the times I’ve offended guys who wanted to take me out. And other times where I’ve neglected to split the bill and had guys tell me “you’re paying if we go out again”. Ouch.
So I am putting the question out there, because I’m writing about my experiences but I have no sage advice about this topic. I’m still confused about the right approach. To me, it seems that money is about power…like, a guy wants to show that he can take care of himself and a girl by paying for a meal, and a girl wants to show that she is independent and self-sufficient by offering to pay for it herself. Or she just wants the guy to pay for it and be done.
So, why not split the check and avoid potential misunderstandings? Or do you prefer to be taken out, or do the wining and dining yourself?
This is for research purposes…
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
Hey Kelly,
Wow, we both hit the money topic this week. We just did a video blog on “Who Should Pay for a Date?” and the consensus was that for that first date whoever asks should pay. Of course after a few dates you need to start sharing the expense and that can get tricky. I love the story about the guy who was living out of his car. I’m sure he was a nice guy, but you made the right decision.
Haha – “what if I offer to pay and he’s offended”. Funniest line ever. Seriously, if a man says he’s offended he’s lying.
*Plentymorefishoutofwater – One Man’s Dating Diary*
“Whoever does the asking should do the paying.” – My Grams
Guys should pay at least at first. That’s how I was brought up and I think it’s right. Some things should stay old fashioned in my mind. However, I always appreciated when the woman I was dating offered to pay. It showed she was aware, thoughtful and not a gold digger. And if the relationship continued, then absolutely some sort of splitting the costs arrangement was worked out. Nothing written in stone, but like I said,an awareness that things cost money.
But be on the lookout for the controlling guy who expects something in return for always paying. Bad!! Bad!!! You’ll know.
As far as the guy living in his car, hmm…..that’s a stretch, unless it was John Coltrane or something.
Thanks everyone!
Tina…Liked the video blog! It is a gray area once you start dating. One of my boyfriends insisted we split everything and that got a little old.
Miss Alpha…thank you for Gram’s advice. They always know best.
Fishy—seriously, I’ve had guys tell me this. I guess they were being cheeky.
OOTG – Yeah, the car guy was a little embarrassing. That was when I first moved to L.A. and he seemed so art-y that I overlooked the whole homeless thing. My bad.