I received a comment from a reader yesterday asking whether it’s okay for a woman to date an older man. Specifically, a lot older, like 15-20 years. This is an interesting question, so I thought I’d discuss it in today’s post.
I’ve dated men who were both younger (one by 13 years, and one who was only 7 years younger), and men who were older. A lot older. My first experience with dating an older guy came when I was 20 and doing a summer internship…one of my co-workers was 42. I thought he was wise and experienced, but it turned out he was just a 20-year old boy trapped in a 42-year old body. My next experience was in my late twenties, when I dated a man 13 years older. Generally speaking, I don’t tend to go for older men, but there was something different about him. I wanted a relationship with him, so I let it progress. Needless to say, it didn’t work out, but I don’t regret it—he was a wonderful man and we had a good time. That counts for something.
And as for my current situation, I’m dating a man who is 14 years older now, with..eek…two kids. I always filtered out the older divorced dads from my online dating searches, so I’d never thought I’d be dating one! (We met in person luckily, because I wouldn’t have come across him on Match.com.) Sometimes, life takes us to places we don’t expect, but I’m glad I let go of my filters enough to give the guy a chance.
But I digress. For the most part, the men I’ve dated have been around my age. I am skeptical of women who only date older men, in the hopes of finding security or wanting to be a bit more “taken care of” than most. And then there are the guys who are attracted to younger women only for their looks and youthful energy (many men fantasize about being Hugh Hefner, let’s not deny it…). But I think the question of whether or not you should date an older man (or woman), really comes down to the individuals involved. If two people are truly right for each other, age isn’t really an issue. But maybe something else is going on that bothers you? Depending on the situation, here are some questions you can ask yourself:
1. Would I date him if he was younger and less financially secure?
2. Do we agree on basic values (trust, good communication, kindness, etc.)?
3. Is he in good health, and does he take care of himself?
4. If I want children, is that something he wants as well?
5. Is he divorced, widowed, separated? Does he already have children, and am I prepared to form a relationship with them?
6. If he’s 20 years older and never been married or had a significant live-in partner, can he tell me why?
7. Does he have a habit of dating women significantly younger?
I’m just throwing out questions, but it depends on the scenario and the person. If he is right for you, age won’t be an issue. But if you have reservations about the relationship and the guy himself, ask yourself why. Maybe there is something there that isn’t right, and has nothing to do with age.
Readers, let me know if you’ve dated older, and what your thoughts are. As always, thanks for your feedback!
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
Interesting post, I’ve mostly dated younger (2 – 3 years max) and actually have somewhat of a fear of dating older men! But as I grow older and my priorities in life have changed, I do see the appeal of dating older men because they are associated with things like career stability, emotional maturity (hopefully), done with their bachelor days and ready to settle down. Until they hit mid-life crisis. What turns me off dating older men is a control issue, I don’t want to be treated like a kid who hasn’t ‘lived life’ like he has.
Hey Girl,
Totally understood and a very valid point…nobody likes to be treated like a kid in a relationship. We still learn new things all the time, even with a bunch of “life experience”, so nobody should feel it is their duty to control things. Thanks for your comment!
Age are just numbers. A woman needs to put a lot into consideration, just like the seven factor you have stated here. The important thing is for the relationship to work.
I actually am quite happy dating older or younger guys. I have been out with some older man who were great and some younger guys who were really fun. I tend to think as long as you want the same things then anything can work. (Within reason obviously!)
Kate xx
http://secretofficeconfessions.blogspot.com
I don’t date older men. The only reason they’re interested in me is because I am younger than them. If I were their own age they wouldn’t be interested. At 20, they were all over me. Now, in my 30’s, I see it. I’ve taken good care of myself and have kept my figure, ect, but I’m not 20. So now I notice men with grey and white hair looking my way. Older men are not cute; never have been.
And they’re not mature either (I saw that at 20 and couldn’t believe it). They are just old. I’d rather make whatever money I need to have the lifestyle I want to have. I don’t want to marry some older man because they just don’t look good and it’s basically prostitution. You need “security”, “resources”, “money”, so you shack up with an older guy and marry him to make it look legit and respectable.
That’s not my thing.
I agree with The Girl and Not Okay.
Older guys are only interested because of the YOUTH factor in the younger woman. And I personally think women and girls with very low self-esteem attract these dinosaurs. Let’s face it, these ‘guys’ are hideous, and you KNOW they are: they ‘over-value’ themselves because they allegedly earn a few dollars, so they strut around like they’re hot stuff, and they’re not. The ‘wrong stuff’ is what they are. And they are AWFUL in bed! My God. It’ s not enough that they don’t care about how they look and make no effort to take care of their horrible, flabby, out of shape bodies, but they don’t last long in bed because they’re not in shape (the average older man).
This is just my personal OPINION and other opinions will differ, and that’s fine. I do NOT hate older men (even though it may sound like it), but I KNOW they trip over women with low self-worth (younger women), so to the author of the article: you may want to CHECK YOURSELF. You even wrote “EEK” after you said this old dude you’re with had KIDS. Why? Why ‘Eek’?
Think about it.
I’ve been dating a guy that is 20 years older than me. I’m 28. I never saw myself being withsomeone so much older but since I’ve met him, I’ve never been happier. Older men are not always looking for a younger women because of her looks. They aren’t always controlling or want to treat you like a kid. At least this one doesn’t. He genuinely respects me, treats me like his partner, and listens to me. We really enjoy each other’s company and gradually, I find myself wanting to be with him long term. Although he looks great for his age, I have so much fear about his health 20 years from now. I watched my mom, grandmother, and aunt lose their husbands and so I have this phobia of losing my husband too. I really don’t know how to get past this.
@Kia : Then you shouldn’t marry him. Even though people will tell you otherwise, 20 yrs is a HUGE age gap! He was grown when you were still a fetus, basically. You may also want to think about the SEX, too. You may not admit to caring now but once you’re married & find yourself not getting any sex, you will become VERY frustrated, and it won’t take long. Women get into their sexual peak in their 30’s & 40’s, while guys hit theirs in their late teens & ’20’s. Why you would think you’re compatible with someone that age is beyond me. Nonetheless, if you do decide to marry him be prepared to invest in being able to masturbate by yourself so you can actually get satisfied. Or find yourself a young lover on the side. No??? Then how are you going to have a sex like over time with this old man?? Think about it.