Before I begin, I have to explain what I mean by self-love.
I’ve had a rocky history with Valentine’s Day. When I was single, I used to dread its approach as a criticism of my personal life. In my thirties it was painful, considering I’d spent years having a hot-cold relationship with eHarmony and Match. I bought drugstore chocolate and drank with my friends, wondering what the secret was to finding someone dateable. I think you know what I mean.
And now that I’m married, I feel a sense of expectation surrounding Valentine’s Day. Not that my husband cares so much (thank goodness), but this holiday is built upon a premise of proving yourself. Specifically, proving you’re worthy of love – through bringing on the romance, getting the right gift, or figuring out how to celebrate in a big way without taking out a loan.
I’ve been struggling with Valentine’s Day because – as with the rest of my life – I struggle with expectations.
Let me be clear: when I was single, I felt expectations placed on me to hurry up and find someone already. I’m not blaming the people in my life, I placed this expectation on myself, too. I felt like there was something wrong with me that I couldn’t hold down a relationship. I floated from one person to the next, waiting for inspiration to strike.
Now that I’m married, I feel another kind of expectation – the pressure to perform. I mean, this is the day to spare no expense, book that table at Gjelina’s, open that nice bottle of wine, and have ah-mazing sex. This proves your love and dedication, and makes you a good partner.
Expectations are difficult to live up to.
Here’s the thing. Valentine’s Day is charged for many people. I like the whole “Galentines Day” trend as a counterpoint, but really, this is filled with expectations too. I have mixed feelings about all of it – am I a good wife, a good friend, a good person?
Perhaps we should reframe how we think about the holiday. This year, how about we treat Valentine’s Day as a day to encourage self-love instead? I don’t mean posting selfies of you looking fabulous on Instagram, I mean investing in your own personal growth.
Self-love is actually a hard thing.
It requires us to own our mistakes, and to forgive ourselves for the purpose of moving forward and living healthier lives. Self-love means that you practice loving and being kind to yourself despite the flaws – whether it’s how your thighs look in that dress, or that you go through periods of depression that affect the people you love, or that sometimes you can’t help but react in the moment and don’t realize how much your words can hurt others.
I recommend being kind to yourself this Valentine’s Day. Instead of focusing on others’ expectations, or why you’re single, or what you can do to show your love to your partner – try doing things that bring you joy. Maybe that’s taking a long bath, reading a good book, talking with a friend you haven’t seen in a while, or just spending time alone. Think about what works for you.
If you’re a romantic and celebrating Valentine’s Day with your love is your thing, then do it. I’m not advocating for you to abandon your plans. But I do feel strongly that it’s a good time to reflect on your own happiness and how you can cultivate that outside of a relationship. Is there something that prevents you from fully giving and receiving love?
As Marianne Williamson said, “Find your peace, and then everything will fall into place.”
We have this time right now to deeply appreciate and respect the love in our lives – from friends, family, or a significant other. There’s no denying the joy we get from others. But only by deeply appreciating our own journeys and cultivating our own happiness can we learn from our mistakes and unhealthy patterns. Understanding and forgiving ourselves allows us to move forward and experience more loving interactions with each other.
Happy Valentine’s Day.
XO,
Kelly
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
Leave a Reply