I was talking to a man who just went through a divorce, and who confessed that he had already started checking out some online dating sites and apps. He asked me, “is it too soon to be thinking about dating?”
So many of us wonder about timing when it comes to ending a long-term relationship and starting to look for a new one. Maybe you’ve met someone fantastic and you want to jump in to the next relationship, but at the same time, you might be afraid that it’s too soon, and you’ll regret it. Or maybe you wonder with a mixture of anticipation and fear what dating will feel like the next time around.
While there is no “timeline” that I advocate for people to follow, I do think you have to know when you’re ready to start dating again, and there are a few ways to tell.
As I say in my book Date Expectations, you have to understand your emotional patterns before you can find the right relationship. Otherwise it’s hard to break the cycle, and you will keep meeting and dating the same type of person – the commitment-phobe, the co-dependent, the loner, etc. and you will find yourself unhappy in the same ways. So instead of immediately dating again, perhaps you should take a step back and evaluate some things.
For example, if you tend to jump into a new relationship immediately after a break-up, avoiding the experience of grief and pain, then you might have some fears surrounding being alone or abandoned that you should probably explore. It’s okay to cry, to grieve, to search for meaning – this is the stuff of life, and none of us is immune. You will come out the other side of the pain, and you will be stronger for it. See what it feels like to live by yourself, to take a solo road trip, to create a new daily routine just for you.
If you tend to retreat and isolate yourself, and you split with your ex a while ago – then you might want to see what it feels like to put yourself out there and risk being vulnerable to falling in love. Join groups, make plans with friends, attend parties and yes – start dating.
In other words, whatever your tendency is, you should probably do the opposite.
The reason for this is – we like to stay in our comfort zones. But they can also be restrictive.
Here’s another aspect to consider: do you think potential dates are ready to date you? If you are still experiencing anger and pain from your breakup, then you don’t want to subject dates to your grieving process and your healing. That is totally up to you to uncover, to experience. Think of it this way: your dates don’t want to hear about your ex when they are spending time with you. They want to know what to expect going forward, what it will feel like to be in a relationship with you, not you and your ex.
So while I can’t tell you exactly how long you should wait before you begin dating, I can tell you this: get to know yourself a little better. Take a class, learn a new skill. Make some new friends. Create a real new chapter, not just a new version of the old life you’re still trying to hang onto. And if you’re still in doubt, then you should probably wait.
Listen to your spiney sense–your intuition, not your fear.
XO,
Kelly
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
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