Happy holidays everyone! Since it’s the time of year to reflect on what you no longer want (besides anymore pumpkin pie), I thought I’d write a post about something that I think gets overlooked in the whole dating game. The relationship between two people. Hear me out before you move on…
What I mean by this is, when we’re single, we tend to fantasize about what our respective Mr./Miss Fantastics are like and all the wonderful qualities he/she possesses (like a killer body, great sense of humor, amazing career, etc.). In the midst of all this build-up of the ideal boyfriend/girlfriend, we lose track of the one thing that’s much more important than any one trait in any one person. After all, we are all far from perfect – each of us with our own set of neuroses and weaknesses and insecurities that travel with us wherever we go and whoever we’re with, no matter how hot or how successful you may be. The elusive thing we’re looking for is connection to another person – a relationship. But what does that mean?
I think where we make the biggest mistake is not in failing to find the right person. (We’re all responsible for our own choices, I think.) It is is in failing to know what we want from a relationship. Many people don’t know what they want. They get as far as what they want Mr./Miss Fantastic to be like or look like, but not as far as how they actually want to feel in a relationship. The relationship itself isn’t as important as all those wonderful traits added up. But these traits can lead us astray, again and again, because we don’t define what we deserve. How we want to feel. How we want to co-exist with someone else in a relationship. In other words, good relationship qualities we might desire, like mutual respect, get sidelined so we can pursue someone who’s really hot. Kindness can be overlooked in the pursuit of someone who exudes confidence. And simple courtesy (like being on time or returning calls) gets tossed aside when we’re smitten with someone who’s really successful in a career. As a result – honesty and vulnerability become casualties. We want to look like we’re not invested-that we don’t really care. Because who wants someone who is vulnerable? And who wants to get hurt?
And so we keep going round and round, chasing after the great qualities we think our next boyfriend/girlfriend should possess. We can’t get past what we think we want. And it gets us every time.
Granted, we aren’t thinking about what kind of relationship we want when we’re just trying to get past the first few dates. But that’s exactly what we should be doing. We should date with more intention. We should date knowing what our next relationship will look like, what feeds us and makes us happy. We should picture what this relationship looks like on a day-to-day basis. We should make room for that person and all of their mistakes and baggage, too – just like we’d expect someone else to do for us.
Instead of looking for that next amazing person, try instead focusing on your next amazing relationship.
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
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