First off, I just wanna wish everyone a good long holiday weekend, at least those of you who are stateside. Sorry UK folk, but you get all those bank holidays.
For those of you who’ve read my blog, you know I love statistics. My favorite site to check is OKCupid’s blog, mostly for entertainment value in the research.
I read Miss Alpha’s post on receiving the OKCupid email letting her know she was “in the top half of OkCupid’s most attractive users”, so now they would be sending her “more attractive candidates”. Like her, I found the whole thing a bit offensive. More on that later.
So, I noticed that I missed a whole study OkCupid did on how free dating sites totally trump the paid sites like eHarmony and Match. According to OkCupid, when eHarmony says they have a database of 20 million users, they are including everyone who signs up, not just paying members. The problem is, people who aren’t paid subscribers can’t actually respond/flirt back if you reach out to them. (We’ve all encountered this I’m sure.) So realistically, they have a lot less subscribers. Same thing with Match.
For obvious reasons, I like the free sites because there is no commitment needed with time or money, and you know exactly what you are getting because there are no “steps” in the communication process. It’s quick and efficient. However, when you don’t have to put any effort into your online dating, do you really expect results? Do relationships form easily this way?
I’d have to side with the paid sites on this—they tend to attract the more serious daters. When I was on PlentyofFish and OkCupid I got a ton of messages and matches, but they all went nowhere. I think I only went on 5 actual dates from POF (if you don’t count the ones just looking for a hook-up).
But I have to wonder…when it comes to online dating, isn’t the success all about participation and effort? I get excited at first, then overwhelmed, go on a few bad dates and get discouraged, and then I stop checking after 3-4 weeks because I haven’t had time to email my matches or search or whatever. Then I start again because I haven’t had any dates. It’s a vicious cycle. But it’s this way for me no matter what site I’m on. Mostly because I can be a lazy dater. Well, maybe not lazy as much as skeptical. (Note to boyfriend…thanks for looking past this!)
OkCupid points out that eHarmony fails people 93.8% of the time. Maybe. But it doesn’t go on to list its own statistics…how many people off of OkCupid actually end up in successful relationships with each other?
I think it’s a bogus argument. Online dating is inherently tricky. All dates are bad until you meet the person who sticks. So, chances are you are going to go on a LOT of bad dates. I don’t think that the free sites are better in terms of your odds…they just make it easier to sign up. I found I got the most responses and real dates from Match and Chemistry, despite OkCupid’s arguments.
Besides, getting back to Miss Alpha’s post, I can’t really get behind a site that would categorize its members as “more” and “less” attractive, and base matches on that. How is that done exactly? Were the employees all sitting in a room with a projector, darts, and a few bottles of tequila, giving a throw to each bad picture? Hmm.
Anyway, it’s an interesting idea of paid sites vs. free sites, but I don’t think OkCupid makes a good case. What have your experiences been with different online dating sites?
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
Yes! I have to agree with your blog. I have tried Match.com. Eharmony, Singlesnet.com, and POF. I didn’t want to pay the money for the first few so it didn’t go very far because as you said, you can’t completely interact with each other without paying. I never saw anyone on them worth paying for either. Then I was introducted to POF. I thought it would be great. I got plenty of messages and I emailed a few and talked but most were only looking for “friends with benefits” or just a simple hookup. I went out on actual dates with 2 of the guys from POF. They both lied and said they weren’t out looking for one thing, but their actions were telling a totally different story. I have to agree with you though. I think there could be some potential on free or paid sites. However, it’s easy for the scumbags to be on the free sites.
Thanks for reading Holly! The most frustrating part for me was joining a site based on the matches I saw, and then not being able to talk to them once I joined. It was like “here are some great prospects..but not for you!” Ugh. Anyway, yes—if you are willing to pay then you’ll probably want a real date/ girlfriend/boyfriend out of it. But these aren’t the people who drew you to the site in the first place.
I had better experience with the paid sites. To me, it just showed that the guys I was meeting were serious about finding someone. Okcupid seemed full of people looking to hook up or who were stuck living in virtual reality. Also, I don’t like Eharmony’s multitude of hoops to jump through before allowing communication. I’m all about Match.com, but I think that’s mostly because that’s how I met my fiance. I think you’re right-it’s all about timing. I could just have easily not met anyone that I connected with!
Thanks Date Girl. You are proof of the successful 7% according to OkCupid! (I think a report said 20% of marriages last year resulted from online dating, so the numbers are a little off). Congratulations and looking forward to hearing the details of the wedding!
I’m always wary of the paid ones because, like you say, they are home to more serious daters. I don’t want to date a serious dater, even though I am one myself. I’d be too busy thinking ‘Why doesn’t anyone else want her?’ Is that wrong? Probably. Having said that, POF is proving equally as fruitless for me as it sounds like it did for you.
*Plentymorefishoutofwater – One Man’s Dating Diary*
free dating sites keep their old users. I once saw one not pof that had about 80% of users who hadn’t logged in for a month or longer. Seeing as I live in a place that’s not the best for any dating site the place I’ve seen with the most locals is zoosk on facebook. cept you have to pay on there to get any serious use out of it. Another site that did me well in the past is girlsdateforfree, genius business strategy!
funnily enough, despite having dates off dating sites I got all my relationships from else where.
1. nightclub
2. penpal site before there were free dating sites
3. faceparty (before they added the age limit)
4. social:me application/facebook
“All dates are bad until you meet the person who sticks” – well said.
I missed all of the online dating, but I’ve helped friends with their profiles. They’ve been frustrated at times and exhilarated at times. Most of their dates are dead ends, and like you said, that makes them stop for a while. Then they get back on a few months later and find some great person after a few more bad dates. The whole thing is cyclical.
The bottom line is, dating is a ton of work and it takes a lot of energy. Online dating is just one approach to try, but they’re all equally enervating or energizing.
Thanks for the link, lady! (Sorry, a bit behind on my reading!!)
Oh lady, you’re speaking my language. My whole blog exsists b/c of online dating and all the glory that goes with it.
-eharmony told me there were no matches for me.
-POF is where most of my “Bad Date Collection” comes from. And after reading everyones comments I think I got the most dates from them (over 20 I’m sure, all in 6 months).
-Chemistry kept matching me with people that could have been my male twin or a mutant.
-OkCupid, ridiculous. Here’s a link w/ some stats they gave me: http://ziazitella.wordpress.com/2010/01/14/aftermath/
-Tried some others that aren’t worth mentioning or I’ve blocked out the names.
-I’m on 2 now for my newest project. I’ll be sure to keep you posted on those outcomes.
Fun post.
I love your site! It was a really nice read.. keep up the great work you’re pretty talented! I am going to have to look at some of your other blog posts.
http://howtokissaguyforthefirsttime.org/
hi excellent post I’m relatively new to the online dating scene I’m 24 M from hamburg and looking for love