Although I feel like more of an expert in the area of dating, I want to start sharing more about my new life/ role as a stepmom in my blog. Rest assured all of you single men and women out there…being in a relationship doesn’t make your challenges go away. In life, there are no endings. Just new beginnings (stepkids, kids, or just you).
That said, let me tell you…my new life as a stepmom can be overwhelming, humbling, nerve-wracking, and fantastic. Yes, sometimes I feel all these emotions within the span of a minute.
I recently wrote an article for The Huffington Post on this transition. But I feel like there is much more to the story than I could possibly write in 800 words. I’ve been both surprised and humbled by the comments…so many people have such different experiences, and all of them were touched/ honored/ hurt deeply by being a stepparent or being a stepchild. The emotions are strong.
The thing is, people are all different. Just the same way, family dynamics are all different.
The problem with being a stepparent is that you’re expected to just kind of fit yourself in to the family dynamic and try not to rock the boat too much.I know one stepmom who waits at home while her fiance and his ex-wife take their kids on trips together (hoping the kids will think this is more like their “normal life”). I mean, WTF? Is that a healthy way to show the kids that you’re all one happy family, by excluding the new members?
There are tons of examples like this. There are also stepmoms who can’t wait for the stepkids to grow up and move out of the house. Is this a good way to spend your time…instead of building a relationship, waiting for them to leave? We all have to sacrifice a little bit of who we are in the process of becoming a stepparent. And then the resentment can build. Some people fit in better than others, which makes the whole situation easier. For others, it’s really difficult to even be in the same room. Let’s just say it challenges your whole personality sometimes. If you’re used to controlling your daily activities, or speaking what you feel, or telling others what to do, guess what? It’s not going to happen so much anymore. There is always a bit of compromise. And this can be a tough thing.
While I don’t believe anybody should apologize for who they are or what they believe, stepparenting makes us really think about how we’re relating to others. How we are treated, and how we treat other people. We have heightened sensitivity in these areas. We are required to no longer be selfish. It’s not all about me, even if I wanted it to be. Which makes walking on eggshells seem like a piece of cake.
If I were a Mom, I don’t know how I’d feel about a stranger being part of my kid’s life. Probably not good. As a stepmom however, I didn’t ask for this, but I’m willing to take it on. No matter how much I might suck at it, at least I want to make the effort. And the truth is, most of us don’t suck at it. We aren’t cruel or selfish, even if some stepkids feel that way. We want things to work out for everyone. There are always two sides to the story.
This is a work in progress for me. There are good days and bad days. Many times I just wing it and see what happens. I hate making mistakes. I’m a perfectionist. But I have to come clean with the reality that I will, and I do. And my stepkids may sometimes hate me for being in their Dad’s life, taking up their time, just like I might sometimes resent them.
I’d love to hear your stories/ perspectives…especially stepparents and stepchildren. More on this topic to come.
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
I think all too many people about the ‘here and now’ when dating – but what happens after you’re no longer single? What happens when you become a step-parent like you have? I think the fact that you’ve put so much thought into the matter speaks volumes and, I hope, will also speak to your future success. Thanks for sharing and I can’t wait to read more on your blended family!
Thanks for your comments, Brent. Like your blog. I agree about the “here and now”. Many people don’t want to complicate their lives by dating single parents, but then, there are a LOT of single parents out there. It’s going to happen, I think more and more in the future. We should embrace this kind of choice and try and figure out better ways of handling blended families, rather than pretending they don’t exist or they are somehow “less” than traditional families.
I’m always amazed at the different types of step families out there. My boys have friends whose parents are divorced that barely speak to each other and some that are so great that between parents and step-parents that it’s like they have 4 parents all playing an important role in parenting. Much of it does seem to stem from the relationship that the exes have which each other, which I think is a big thing that women need to keep in mind when considering whether or not they want to become step moms. If a guy has a terrible relationship with his ex, then I think that odds are high that there will be lots of conflict between you and his children.
It’s brave of you to share so much Kelly. Great post.
I’m not sure if I am eligible for the title of ‘stepmother’ yet as we have only been together for two months but things are moving very fast. My new partner has a 5 year old who he has raised on his own since her birth and having not had so much as a single date in 5 years is really struggling to add ‘relationship’ to home, family and work. Although said stepdaughter and I have had 4 or 5 opportunities to meet, she has still not spoken to me yet, I’m 40 and have enjoyed single life and dating but feel out of my depth with this..I promised my partner patience and understanding. I don’t want to be her mother…just her friend, is there anything else I can do to help her adjust?
Hi Justine,
I think you are definitely in the early stages, so I wouldn’t panic. She’s only five and all she’s known is Dad, so I’m sure it’s confusing. In my experience though, it helps if your boyfriend talks to her about who you are and how much you mean to him. The daughter learns to trust you by his example. I am really lucky—my husband had a girlfriend before me, so his girls were used to somebody special in Dad’s life. I will say it was hard for me too at first—they weren’t exactly asking me questions or excited to get to know me. They could have cared less, actually. That was rough. I was doing the work. But they came around quickly – partly because their Mom was remarried and there was no chance she and their Dad were getting back together, and partly because they eventually were interested in who I was and why their Dad loved me.
The most important thing is to be honest and share your feelings with your boyfriend, and to have some patience. Relationships take a while to build. Get to know her. Try doing things with her. You’re not her Mom, and she will never think of you like that, so don’t worry. Try being her friend, or as one stepmom told me “like a cool aunt.” Show her you’re interested in her and take it one step at a time. Good luck and keep me posted!
This is so refreshing. Sometimes I feel like I’m completely failing and other times I’m shocked by how much progress we’ve made as a family. I am a new step mom to 3 boys 6, 9 and 11. We are all getting along, but sometimes it is difficult to draw boundaries between step mom and playmate.