I have a friend who likes to share her head-scratching OkCupid messages. Some of them are weird, some are gross or sad, but most of them are just hilarious. She shares them because she wants to prove a point – that online dating really sucks. That people are strange, especially the L.A. dating population.
I don’t agree with her, but OkCupid users can get a little ridiculous. I chalk it up to the fact that it’s a free site and many people (like with Tinder) are just on it to f*** around and see what they can get away with. Literally and figuratively, I guess. So, who knows how much of what they write is true, or even vaguely representative of how they feel or what they look for in real life?
Still OkCupid seems to love to collect and analyze this data. Christian Rudder, co-Founder and the guy responsible for all the data analysis from their blog OkTrends, stopped the blog a couple of years ago so he could focus on turning his research into a book.
I admit, I’m the first to read and write about OkCupid studies. Pulling information from that many online daters is bound to yield some interesting results. Of course Rudder can pick out the most interesting trends – like who gets the most messages (people with really unusual features – large noses, big hips, etc.—not the average pretty people), what messages daters respond to (Hint: don’t put “hey sexy” in the subject line), and why if you’re a guy you shouldn’t smile in your photo or look the camera in the eye.
But even Rudder says in an interview with NPR that the data isn’t really representative of what people do in real life.
“Look, there’s no way OkCupid, Facebook, Twitter, these sites even added all together can stand in for the entirety of the human condition,” Rudder tells NPR’s Arun Rath. “People do all kinds of things they don’t do online.”
So while I will look at his findings and probably read his book, I still won’t believe everything he says.
Because here is the big difference: people are different face-to-face than they are online.
For example, if someone posts pictures of her romantic vacation on Facebook, do we become jealous, thinking that her life is somehow better? If you are alone and bored and missing a romantic relationship you might. Does that mean your Facebook friend doesn’t ever get angry, or become disappointed, or wish she could be doing something else occasionally, too, or does she just have endless romance? No, she doesn’t. Guaranteed. We all know that Facebook is a bit of an illusion, that people paint a picture they would like others to believe. But these stories aren’t the whole truth.
While OkCupid is different from Facebook – it’s not like you publicly post your OkCupid messages so all your friends can scrutinize – but it’s still operating under a delusion.
You have an ideal in your head of who you can meet, whether it’s Brad Pitt with no commitment issues, Megan Fox for a one-night stand, or whatever you desire. And because we think there are so many options online – (infinite, really) we also tend to look for exactly what we idealize. We think that because our options are endless, our chances increase exponentially that someone will respond to our messages, no matter what we say or how we approach. (And if not, on to the next.) Our behavior is more reckless. Less respectful.
Now, reality is a bit different. You won’t have the perception that there are hundreds of potential amazing options waiting to meet you as you walk down the street. For instance, when you go to Starbucks, there are only a finite number of people in line, and most are not your type. You have no illusions about endless options. And you probably wouldn’t go up to a total stranger and open with, “hey, why haven’t we had sex yet?”
But with OkCupid, you do.
So…do I believe the data is accurate, that it represents dating behavior as a whole? Not really. Not if guys are trying to see who responds to any of their messages, no matter how odd or inappropriate. Not when compared to real life, face-to-face meeting when you have to hold a conversation so others can see who you really are. Not when you are around your friends, your co-workers, people who matter. Online, you can do or say anything. That’s the beauty of it. But it’s also a shield.
The data about dating is good to have, and good to know, but don’t assume it’s the whole truth – or even a close representation.
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
Interesting. I’m on OKC and it is amazing how different people can be in real life compared to their profiles. And you’re right, that’s with everything all the way to Facebook. The problem is, when it comes to dating, if a guy’s not himself, and he’s trying to date, he’ll be found out eventually. Lol. Might as well present yourself as who you really are, and if someone’s not into it, don’t worry about it. There’s always another “match” out there.
This is why I’m always up for meeting people right away (if there is an initial connection). People are so different in person than they are online. I don’t put a lot of faith in any of the matchmaking algorithms out there because nothing is a substitute for the dynamics and chemistry of meeting face to face.
Could not agree more! People create a dating persona that they can hide behind. It is probably worse on the free sites i.e.
Tinder!
But, at the end of the day we are going to know who that person really is once we meet in RL so stop creating a fantasy to hide behind.
Totally fascinating! Love the topic! Technology has created an incredible way for each of us to get out of our typical sphere of influence…away from people who “really” know us. In many ways it’s a good thing; exposure to opinions and conversations you may have never experienced before. It can be extremely freeing. However, this freedom and anonymity also has a down side…which you pointed out. Perhaps many people just like the idea of themselves they created online so much, and are so different in reality…they don’t know how to transition to the real world…or don’t want to!
Sure the data would be representative if the people filling out the profiles were honest. I would venture a guess that a good chunk of online dating profiles are not true representations of the people filling them out. We hear all the time how the person you meet isn’t the person that was online. So, like you said dating data is great, but this isn’t a good indicator. Great food for thought!!
I am not on OkC but this is true (which I totally agree with Melany) that people create this illusion to believe that they are living such a great life etc. online but it is somehow totally different in real life. However, we all use this because this is such a great tool to meet other people so there you go. Interesting topic!