I was reading an article in Glamour magazine on the meaning of a “high maintenance” woman. (Don’t judge – I was standing in line at the grocery store and couldn’t read another story about baby Kimye.)
The main point of the article was interesting: most women think they are high maintenance when actually, they aren’t. Let me explain, because it’s got nothing to do with gold-diggers or expectations that are out of control or any of that. It has to do with this basic idea: asking for what we want in a relationship. And not just the big things, like being exclusive, but the little things. Like asking a guy to make plans a couple of days in advance instead of a text at 3AM asking, “what r u up to right now?”
In general, we don’t want a man to think we’re too eager for commitment – the big “M” word, or anything like that. We try so hard to be the cool girl, the one he can trust won’t blow a fuse if he’s a little late or he cancels at the last minute when he doesn’t feel like seeing us. Oh, you’re tired because you were out the past three nights with mysterious friends until 2AM? No problem, it’s cool.
But the thing is, as you continue to date and it continues to be more of the same – he doesn’t call consistently, he doesn’t say how he feels, he cancels on you, he never brings up the word “relationship” – you start to wonder what he’s thinking. And then you try harder to be cool and let things slide, but they keep getting worse. Pretty soon you are confused, frustrated, miserable.
Instead of continuing on the track of being the cool girlfriend – I agree with Glamour’s advice: it’s time to start asking for what you want. Because let’s face it, if you don’t put it out there, how is any man ever going to get it?
Healthy relationships require boundaries. They require communication. So if you want to be exclusive and you don’t let him know, you’re hurting yourself in the process.
It’s a hard thing to do. Most of us would rather wait things out and hope that the guy comes around, that he sees how wonderfully awesome and fantabulous we are and wants nothing more than to be with us for ever and ever. But this is not how it works. If he’s truly interested – and I think we all know this – he will let us know.
But if we walk around in fear of him bolting as soon as we ask for what we want, then we won’t get anywhere. The relationship will be completely on his terms. And completely unfair to you. Do you really want a relationship that’s not what you think it is? And worse yet, do you want him to string you along for months until breaking it off or letting it fizzle out?
Didn’t think so. It’s time to have that courageous conversation. To be high maintenance. Or at least, to let him know what you want and how you want to be treated in a relationship.
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
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