I’ll start this post with a scenario, so hopefully it makes sense:
You’re in a big hurry to get to work. You’ve been sitting in traffic for the past hour, so now you’re also late. But you’re hungry and want to stop at a coffee shop for a quick bite to eat. When you walk in, there’s a huge line, and you don’t have time to stop somewhere else. You feel anxious and frustrated. Do you:
a. silently curse all the people in front of you who are making you even more late
b. grab a magazine or check your phone to try to make use of your time
c. leave without buying anything
d. make an effort to be friendly to the cashier and people next to you in line, cuz you’re already late
If you’re like me, likely you’d do either A or B to keep from losing your sanity. (I have to eat if I’m hungry.) But the thing is, it doesn’t make me feel better to distract myself or make myself more angry by silently cursing everyone and everything – my blood still boils, I am still late, and then I’m in a bad mood the rest of the day.
But sometimes to calm my anxiety I will look around me, wondering who in line is having a worse day than me – let’s say her husband just served her divorce papers or something terrible. It makes my anxiety take a back seat. It helps me to put things in perspective, just thinking about other people and what they might be going through.
I learned the art of reaching out to strangers from my husband. He could be anywhere – or in a bad mood – and within a few minutes is talking to some stranger like they’re old friends. He makes jokes, he asks them how they’re doing. Even on his worst days, he makes a point to do this with everyone he encounters. And you know what? They respond. They smile, they give him a discount, they sneak an extra muffin into his bag. I am still in awe of his gift.
But it’s not a gift so much as a way of being. If you reach out to people, treat them kindly, they will react in a similar fashion, even when you feel like crap, or they feel like crap. In my experience, there haven’t been many exceptions.
I’m pretty familiar with Marianne Williamson, who teaches about a book called The Course in Miracles. She explains that every person you meet in your life – whether it’s your mother, your boyfriend, or the random kid at the cash register one day taking his time when you’re running late – plays an important role in our spiritual development. In other words, don’t assume because someone is a stranger that you’ll never see again that they don’t matter. They do.
I was reading a book last night with a beautiful scene – a woman who’d lost everything was stumbling around a bad neighborhood with dirty clothes and the soles coming off her shoes. She’d been through a lot, and she was about to break down. She was too weary to keep going. But a stranger reached out – helped duct tape her shoes, gave her something to eat, and treated her with kindness. This small gesture allowed her to turn her life around.
Maybe something that drastic doesn’t happen to all of us, but I do believe what we put out there in the world makes a difference. That even the smallest gesture matters.
So next time, I will try to smile and say hello to the cashier, even if I’m late and feeling like crap. Because it counts.
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
Hey Kelly, your old friend Julie here. Just wanted to chime in on this as I’ve been struggling with road rage driving to F’s school twice a day as we have yet to find a carpool sitch). I have found that changing my head around from being mad and angry and letting people in and assuming they won’t wave thank you, to trying to feel like a part of everything, that people *will* wave, rather than everyone is against me, works. It’s hard. Very very hard some mornings/afternoons. And there are definitely assholes out there. But not taking their assholishness personally (and perhaps even having a shared moment with another affected-by-the-same-asshole driver) makes for a way better drive. This is a grammatically horrid paragraph. Damn wine. Hopefully you know what I’m saying…
See you soon??
J
Hi Julie! That’s a great point. Kind of like paying it forward – if you let someone in, they are happy (and surprised), so they soften enough to let someone else in, and so forth. The opposite happens when you cut someone off. Then they get pissed and cut someone else off, and maybe there ends up being an accident. Anyway, it’s so so so hard sometimes but it’s good to make yourself think about how you affect the people around you. And yes, margaritas soon!