Some lessons keep cropping up in my life, challenging me over and over again. Learning to let go is one of them. It sounds Zen, doesn’t it? Like if you just took a couple of deep breaths while sitting cross-legged on a beach somewhere, all of your frustrations would just melt away. But we know life doesn’t work that way.
Letting go is f***ing hard.
I know this because I’ve tried the Zen approach. I’ve done a lot of different things to assist me in the process of letting go – Reiki, meditation, yoga, psychic healing sessions, religion (yeah, the good old fashioned going to church thing), and visualization. I even attended an “energy” class where we all waved our hands around and imagined the negative energy leaving our bodies, specifically the solar plexis. Don’t ask me where that is. I assume somewhere near the plexis. I never took anatomy.
While these techniques worked for a while, inevitably I’d come across a crazy person in my work or love life and my old habits would kick into high gear. I wanted these people to see they were wrong, that they weren’t treating me well, that I was hurt or frustrated or angry. I wanted them to change, so that my life could be better. I think we all know where I’m going with this. The crazy people kept on being crazy, and I became increasingly frustrated. Until I decided to let go.
I dated a man I was absolutely smitten over, who hurt me terribly when he cheated on me and then broke things off, leaving me with no explanation of why he’d done what he did and no closure of any kind. I was devastated, hurt and angry. I wanted him to see what he’d done, to acknowledge how much he hurt me. But as you can imagine, a few weeks later, he was with someone else and very happy. But I was still alone with my anger. When I tried dating again, I was always a little suspicious of the men I met. Would they cheat too? Were they really who they said they were? Would they hurt me, too?
Of course there is that risk of getting hurt again. It never goes away. But what I didn’t realize was that my ex and his cheating ways weren’t holding me back. I was holding myself back from finding a good relationship, because I wasn’t yet willing to let go. I didn’t want him, but I let what he had done to me control me in another way. I let the pain and hurt control my perspective, my behavior, my lack of openness when it came to love. I dated emotionally unavailable types, the so-called bad boys, sabotaging my chances of a good relationship. In short, I was holding myself back by not letting go of my own hurt.
When I realized this, my life changed. I enjoyed meeting men. It was nothing external that happened – I didn’t suddenly start meeting amazing men when before they were losers – it was me who changed, who was seeing things differently. I realized I couldn’t change any other person in my life, but I could change my own reactions, my own perspective. And that sends a subtle ripple through how you live in the world. Things not only look different, they are different.
I’m not saying it’s easy. I’m not saying it’s all Zen and butterflies when you let go. Life isn’t that neat. I’m still struggling with letting go of anger and frustration when I have people in my life doing me wrong. But at least now I know, it’s up to me to let go.
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
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