On our second date, my boyfriend asked me, “so, is your representative still dating my representative?”
This comment struck me, because the concept was something I’d struggled with my entire dating life. (Granted, Chris Rock said it first, but it’s a great comment…)
His point was that when you start dating someone, you tend to be on your best behavior. The claws don’t come out for at least a few weeks. You want the object of your affection to see you as a perfect human being. Attractive, funny, smart, engaging…well…perfect. Or at least your idea of perfect. So, you “represent” yourself in a certain way.
But we all know this doesn’t last. Sooner or later the mask falls away. Then the true test of compatibility kicks in. I was always afraid that when my boyfriends saw me for who I was, they’d run in the other direction. So usually I ran first.
It sounds simplistic, and of course, there were many complicated reasons why my other relationships ended. But he was the first to point out his willingness to get past the persona of the ideal girlfriend and go straight to the flaws. He wanted to date the person I really was, not the one I tried to be for every other guy.
I thought about this comment over our next few dates, and realized that this practice of representing yourself in a certain way was just inherent in the process of dating. We represent until we decide whether or not we want to continue dating a person, and until we start to trust the other person enough to let our guards down. And is that such a bad thing?
But then there is the flip side. What happens when we fall for a person, only to find out they are not who they claimed to be? I’m not talking about extremes like pathological liars, but just your basic letdown. Like the guy who swept you off your feet for a month, but then somehow ended up watching TV on his couch all weekend while you cooked dinner. All of a sudden, he had no desire to go out or engage in intimate conversation, to make an effort. Is that the kind of person he was all along, and you never saw it?
I’m not sure if it’s possible to date in a real way, at least in the beginning. But eventually the masks fall away. Our representatives leave and we’re left with who we are, insecurities and all. And personally, I’d want to be with someone who sticks with me when I break down crying in the bathroom after a hard day at work, or my neurotic tendencies get the best of me. So, I’ve let my guard down for the most part, and it’s been worth it.
Do you let your representative date for you, or do you let your guard down early?
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
Seriously, people see the real, quirky me from the get go. I swear.
*Plentymorefishoutofwater – One Man’s Dating Diary*
Hmmm… very thought-provoking. I TRY not to break out the big box of crazy early on, but it tends to seep out from time to time. The more I like the guy, the harder it is to keep a lid on the crazy. Probably why I’m still single… But on the physical front, I definitely don’t let them know what a hag I can look like in the morning until I’ve got them completely reeled in!
Fishy: Somehow, I think you are telling the truth. Thanks.
Man-shopper: Totally get that. I have friends who NEVER take the make-up off. Sleep in it, even after months of dating. Personally, I’m one of those girls who walks around in sweats and doesn’t try (see couch guy example). Except if we’re going out in public.
I like that term-representative. I think that is so true of the dating world, and just one of the copious reasons I’m glad I’m no longer a part of it! I’m with you Kelly-I love wearing my sweat pants. I will dress it up a notch for a date, but not by much. I like to think I’m myself, but maybe a bit subdued version. Oh, I do shave more. 😉 That’s my representative-hairless.
Of course we can all be the best me or the worst me at any time and every stage in between.
The ‘in love’ that we are attracted to is just ‘love’. We are and reflect unconditional love until the idiosyncrasies kick in. The last guy I dated (okay was madly in love with) was pretty bad in the beginning (when he wasn’t being absolutely amazing). One instance stands out – he freaked because I had used his hair brush – long blonde hair in his brush!
How about we work on ourselves first – sort out our own drama then attract someone else who is vibrating on a similarly fantastic level – okay our egos will always be around to make us stumble but just imagine the possibilities.
Wishing you success to Find True Love!
We all try to protect ourselves. It’s in our nature. But having a true relationship is about letting your guard down. Easy for some, not for others.
I got married in my early 30s. By that time I decided to let it all hang out. If the person didn’t like me because of who I was, then I figured they weren’t right for me.
That worked better than keeping my defenses up or playing games. At least for me.
I have to admit that I like the idea of being on your best behavior in the beginning. As long as you’re doing it to make a good impression and not as an attempt to be dishonest, then I think that it shows that you find that person is special enough to put some extra effort into making a good impression. Of course if this extra effort becomes central to the success of your relationship, then you’ve got a problem down the line.
Hi, I came over from a link at Fish’s blog. 🙂
For the most part, I’m myself from the get-go with people, because I’m autistic: deception isn’t one of the areas I’m particularly “high functioning” in. (Of course, with body language, vocal tone, and facial expressions that are either muted or different from non-auties, I’m hard enough to read that I don’t really need an act…) That doesn’t mean that I’m not on my best behavior, or make no attempt to look decent — it’s just that (as my exes can ruefully attest) I seemingly never shift into ‘familiar’ mode around anyone.
The area of the “when to be myself” question that I wrestle with, instead, is when to disclose various aspects of my everyday life that can drive someone off — my disabilities, caring for my mentally ill mother, not wanting kids, using Linux, etc. No real answer for that question; I just take comfort in knowing I’m far from alone in dealing with it! 🙂
Hi Xyxxy—welcome! Thanks for your comment. This is an angle I hadn’t thought about, so I’m glad you brought it up. We all have things we struggle with that we don’t want to admit to people before we get to know them. Say, a family member who is an addict or like you mentioned a parent that you take care of. These are heavy things, but nonetheless we all encounter them in our lives. I maintain that the right person will support you, even with these kinds of challenges.
Cathy J – totally agree here. No need for crazies who get bent because of hair in their brushes! When we are more at peace with ourselves and who we are, faults and all, it’s easier to tolerate faults in others…a big part of any healthy relationship.
Thanks everyone for your comments, much to think about!
You know this is a great topic! Honestly, I’d wager to that from the beginning, the dating process should be one of unveiling… Peeling off layer by layer to get to know a person in their entirety. So, I wonder whether it’s a representative as much as it is letting people learn as much as they can about you little by little… Giving them a chance to reach for the parts of you to decide if those pieces fit together with yours.
Sounds a bit metaphorical, but I would say that the best part of dating are the things you learn about the way. So, yes, I’d say a “representative” isn’t bad as long as it’s the road to the person as a whole. But would dating be as fun if we got everything early on? I’d wager we’d all get bored fast.