I was having drinks with a friend the other night (yes – a real friend – not me), who was telling me about a new guy she’s dating. She met him in Vegas one weekend which doesn’t sound like the start of a long-term thing, but they started dating for realz since they both live in L.A.
She described him to me and couldn’t stop smiling. The giddiness about her new guy was palpable. She gushed that he was handsome, smart, ambitious, fun, a family kind of guy. You know…all the qualities that make the ideal boyfriend. I’m happy that she’s so excited, but for some reason I’m not buying it – that their new relationship is so wonderful, I mean. Perhaps because of the whole Vegas thing? Something in her description of how perfect he is seems off. I furrow my brow, but then I remind myself that I shouldn’t rain on her parade of two. I see how happy she is and that’s a good thing. So instead I say, “he sounds great!” and smile.
Then she looks around nervously and takes a sip of wine. “Well, there is something…” she begins.
She tells me that he’s ten years younger. I don’t think of this as something to worry about. I hate the term “cougar” but I like that lots of older women are dating younger men. It’s about time.
But I get why she’s concerned. This is a significant ten years…he’s still in post-college headiness, trying to build his career and not really thinking about anything too serious. Also, he just broke up with a girlfriend who wanted the whole deal: marriage, babies, house… So, she’s convinced he has no real interest in her as a girlfriend. But she’s afraid to ask him what he really wants, because so far things have been casual and really great. She doesn’t want to rock the boat, because she really likes spending time with him. And the more time she spends with him, the more she realizes she could fall in love with him.This wouldn’t be good for one reason.
She – like his ex – is at the point of her life where she’s watching the clock tick down and hoping to get married and have kids. So if he’s not really interested in all that right now, she wants to move on. “I have to just break it off,” she says wistfully. “I don’t want to fall for him when I know it’s not going to work.”
She’s already fallen for him, but I don’t tell her this. Instead, I tell her to talk with him about how he feels before she just breaks it off. She’s assuming things about him when she doesn’t know what he’s really thinking. Sure, he might not be interested, but maybe she’s got it wrong. Maybe he’d rather hold on to the relationship and to her.
Which brings me to timing. When two people are dating casually, when is it a good time to talk about having a real relationship? For me, each date was unique. Some guys wanted to see where it was headed pretty quickly, while most just wanted to get to know me before having any relationship conversation whatsoever. But then is she wasting her time if she waits for the right moment? Is she wasting her feelings, since she is more attracted to him every time she sees him?
So the question: is dating success all about the timing? If you get the right moment to have that crucial conversation, will things progress smoothly, as destiny would have us believe? Or, if we jump the gun and have it too soon, do we scare our dates away? How often do we say “the timing was bad” when it comes to a relationship not working out?
Timing is crucial, but I think two people coming together regardless of timing is important. They both have a reason they’re attracted to each other. They both have something to figure out along the course of their relationship. At the end of the day, it’s less about having great timing than it is about whether two people are right for each other. As John Lennon said, “life is what happens when you’re making other plans.” I believe this is true about love. If timing were up to me, I’d have played things differently in my life. But it wasn’t all about the timing. It was about finding the right person, regardless of each of our baggage and where we were in our lives. He was the right person for me.
I say some version of this to my friend. I think these are the moments that call for courage. We shouldn’t always try to play it safe, just to save face or prevent heartache. Our feelings are strong with some people for a reason. She should tell her guy how she feels – if for no other reason than proving to herself she has the courage and she’s worth the effort. If he’s not interested, she just saved herself several months of heartache. And if he is, well that’s a good ending…no?
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
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