I guess I’m hung up on research and opinion polls when it comes to dating. I was one of those nerds who liked school and raised her hand enthusiastically in class. For me, education was sacred…every question had an answer. Every problem had a solution. But then I graduated and went out into the real world.
Here folks is where things got bad. Maybe not exactly bad, but confusing. Many of my friends were getting married, but I wanted to stay single for a while. I had no intention to settle down before my thirties. There were too many people to meet, and I was sure there was somebody absolutely FANTASTIC in my future. Likely I’d stumble across him when I went traipsing through Europe with a backpack or when I met a friend in San Francisco to see an art exhibit. He’d be cultured and well-traveled, of course. Oh, and he would magically appear in my life without me having to do anything. That’s how destiny works.
But then I started dating, and I kept meeting more and more men, and getting into and out of relationships. Relationship books like “The Rules” flew off the shelves, telling women that they needed to play hard to get with men in order to trick them into marrying. A little later, Sex and the City came along, and informed us of female empowerment and how to “date like a guy”, and not settle for anything less than what we want. Now, Lori Gottlieb has come along and shared that women like me missed our chances that we had in our twenties because we were too picky.
I feel like my generation has fallen through the crack when it comes to properly navigating relationships. We’re so busy listening to the advice swirling around us, thinking we’re doing something wrong, that we don’t think for ourselves.
I was reading an article by Hannah Seligson, author of a great book called “A Little Bit Married” which talks about her generation of twenty-somethings looking for marriage. But in the context of dating and progressing towards a committed relationship, she points out that there are now no rules. It used to be that a guy asked a girl out, took her to dinner, and after a few of these dates, they decided to continue moving forward or they moved on. Now it seems, the guy casually messages the girl over Facebook to “hang out”, they meet up a few times over drinks or coffee, maybe sleep together, but then nothing happens. She finds herself wondering, “was that a date, or are we just FB friends?” Of course, there is no conversation to clarify this. That would be too presumptuous.
I don’t really want to go back in time to the 1950’s when dating had a specific process, and it always led towards marriage. What I do want is a path with clear roadmarkers so we know where it is we’re going. To quote Ms. Seligson, “singles looking to settle down today are part of the Wild West of dating history”.
Yee-haw.
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
It is such a minefied. Dating etiquette, text etiquette, Facebook etiquette, phone-call etiquette. So many places to go wrong. Basically all I want is someone to laugh at my jokes and eat with – why is it so hard to find?
*Read about my dating disasters at plentymorefishoutofwater*
It’s because people don’t talk anymore. I mean really talk. Communicate. Share.
Social Networking has made it easier to not really give a shit. Just hit “Like” and move on to the next thread. So easy to get updates, but it’s all surface stuff.
So why should relationships be any different?
Both people have to be committed to making it different. And speaking from a Guy’s Perspective, if I really liked the woman, I’d be willing to have a conversation about where the relationship was going or NOT going.
Guys don’t have “The Rules” (which by the way is a disaster for relationships in my book), but they do have their own set of Guy-d-lines. (Hey I gonna use that for a post!! ) Anyway, those guidelines are BS though. They just act the way they think they are supposed to act instead of thinking for themselves.
What sets in later? Regret……
I’m still waiting for destiny. However if I woman meets a guy on FB, and they sleep together before any kind of relationship or commitment has been established it is still a one night stand. They haven’t changed any just the process of doing it without leaving your home.
Hope you had a nice weekend. Your site was one of the ones we gave props to with our post today. Enjoy!
I was, but not anymore. It never quite seemed worth it even though it was fun. It was also too much to keep up.
I promote the blog on Facebook and Blog Catalog and then just word of mouth or networking.
What do you do?
nice post! And it’s a rodeo out there, sister. Just be careful not to date the clowns!
I thought this was a great post – you really hit the nail on the head! I read a review/interview on Lori G.’s new book and was pretty annoyed at it. I understand that there are some girls who might be “too picky” in that they expect their dream man fall into their laps and bemoan when it doesn’t happen, but I think that not compromising on your standards is important!
http://youmakemydate.blogspot.com/