Dating means different things to different people. For some, it’s a pursuit for love – and for others, it’s a quick hook-up over Tinder. Some people don’t even like to call a date a “date.” I understand why many people get frustrated with the idea of dating, or why they would rather focus on something they can control – like a career. They have decided they just don’t want to invest in dating anymore. It’s not worth the time.
I was talking with a single woman in her late twenties the other day, who confided in me that her career meant everything to her. She had no time for dating, let alone a relationship. She might have hooked up every now and then, but aside from that, “actual” dating could wait until her thirties when she was more settled in her career. While I admire her ambition, is this really a healthy approach?
Should we have to choose one or the other: love or career?
I think it’s an excuse. Just as you’d make time for your Pilates class, or drinks with your girlfriends, you could also make time for dating and meeting new people. But here’s the real problem – I think many women are afraid of forming a bond with someone else. Like it might take away their independence, their ambition, their sense of self. Like they might get lost in a relationship, and then what happens when it goes badly?
But that’s fear talking. You have to tell fear to suck it every now and then. It’s not easy.
Fear can prevent us from experiencing all life has to offer. Sure, not every relationship is going to last. And maybe you will give up some independence when you couple up and regret it later. But what about the regret of not trying at all, of fearing real intimacy? We might pretend we don’t need other people, but we do. We need more than career satisfaction. We all long for human connection. We all long to give love and receive it. (Even if you think I just smoked some Sedona crystals before I wrote that – it’s true.)
I think it’s important to acknowledge what’s missing in dating right now. We are planning our dating lives like we plan a monthly budget. I will have a relationship when I’m 32 and promoted to a partner at my law firm. I will date next year when I’m not putting so many nights into building my own business. I’m not interested in anything serious until I sell my first script. Which is fine, but it’s not realistic. Who’s to say you’ll magically meet someone incredible when you turn 32 and make partner at your law firm? Who’s to say you won’t meet someone amazing tomorrow? Would you tell him/her he just doesn’t fit into your schedule?
Life doesn’t care about our plans or timelines. It doesn’t care about our career track or when it’s most convenient to meet someone special. Life has its own agenda. We should be open to seeing the opportunities right in front of us. We should spend more time listening and less time ordering life around.
Maybe it’s time to invest in dating again. Why not enjoy a little intimacy right now, instead of at some prescribed time in the future? That’s all I’m saying.
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
You bring up some excellent points. I agree wholeheartedly. Another reason one might fear being in a relationship is because of previous experiences. They might have been burned in the past. The actions of a significant other can be uncontrollable and fickle. Concentrating on one’s career seems to be more of a surefire bet. I, too, have been guilty of saying, “I’d rather spend my Saturday nights alone…why go out with him when there’s so much writing to do.” No, the guys didn’t knock my socks off, but fear from relationships gone wrong was really what held me back. Still haven’t found the one, I suppose I’ll keep smooching frogs until I do 😉
Hi Roni, thanks for stopping by! Glad you found this helpful. I spent a lot of time mixing networking and dating and getting really frustrated. Then I just spent more time at work, which got me nowhere for obvious reasons. I finally realized I had to let go of my fear and just enjoy some dating without all the pressure. That’s where this post came from.
Nothing like dating fatigue or fear to increase your productivity at work! It’s true…you can have a career and find love! Just don’t find love at work! LOL! Great post!
I always meet someone when I get fed up. It seems to be the way things work. I’m a believer in God and Christ, so when I leave it up to Him, it all starts to happen.
You really should just live your life and keep your heart open to new relationships. That’s all I’m saying. I have to agree with not finding love at work, though. Too complicated if and when you break up.