I was reading an article in YourTango about how our pasts can keep us single. Whether we’re concerned about exes, or the fact that the last three dates we had went horribly wrong, or because nobody has asked us out in the past few months…we easily come to the conclusion that dating in general sucks. In other words, we tend to base our current attitude on the bad experiences we had in the past.
I remember learning a quote in middle school from Santayana that messed up my way of thinking about things for a long time:
“Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.”
Unfortunately, when we apply this to our personal lives, something goes bad wrong. Santayana didn’t factor in modern-day dating when he came up with this, obviously. The thing is, we remember/ dwell on our pasts (mostly the bad things) to the point where we prevent ourselves from making different choices and moving on. Like the choice to leave our exes behind. The choice to have fun on a date tonight. The choice to believe that our next boyfriend or girlfriend will come along, maybe when we least expect it.
I know that it is hard to be single and try to meet new people, especially when we’ve been doing it for a while. For years. I know that many first dates are a disappointment, as are many new relationships that end up going nowhere. The problem is, the more we look upon these experiences as “failures” and “proof” that there are no good guys or girls out there…guess what? We’re going to perpetuate the bad dating cycle.
I’m not advising you to run and pick up a copy of The Secret or anything, but I do think there is something to our ability to attract and repel people. If you are at a party and you’re upset, feeling “ugly”, or planning on not having a good time because you don’t necessarily want to be there, you WON’T have a good time. And you will likely prevent others from approaching you, and then you leave wondering what everyone else’s problem was.
Sometimes, we carry emotions like fear, anger, and hopelessness with us without even realizing it. In order to get past these emotions which hold us back, we have to remember to let go of our past actions and behaviors. We have to realize that just because the last three dates sucked doesn’t mean that all dates will suck in the foreseeable future. We have control over our choices, our attitudes, and our behavior towards other people. Doing things the same way and expecting different results never works, so it’s up to us as individuals to change, not everyone else.
Here are some things to get you out of your past and put you in the right frame of mind (hopefully without sounding all New-Agey):
- Remember that each day is different, so there’s no need to fear a repeat
- You have the ability to change your own behavior
- You have the ability to change your own thinking
- You don’t have control over other people, so get over it
- You do have control over yourself, so take it
I’m still struggling with this concept in many ways, but I think it’s worth applying. Changing behavior = changed thoughts/ attitude = happier life and dating experiences, even if it takes some time and persistence.
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
Very well said, Kelly. I’ve been thinking about the role our attitude plays in dating, and this hits the mark perfectly. I think we repel what we consciously or unconsciously repel and attract what we want to attract. I’m not saying this well, but I do like what you’re thinking through here. Much like you, I too am thinking it through and struggling with the concept, but it looks like you’ve got a realistic yet positive perspective that will suit you well.
Hey Zoe, welcome back! I hope you enjoyed your secluded island (at least that’s what the pic looked like)…
Thanks for your comments. I’ve been thinking about this for a while, but wasn’t sure to say it without preaching. I think there is definitely something to the energy we put out there, and what comes back to us. Anyway, more on this topic later…
I always struggle with No.4 in your list.
You absolutely project the way you feel, which includes your attitude.
Guys do this in a different way. If a guy is feeling desperate, which could mean off-the-charts horny, women can feel the heat emanating from his body from a mile away. And their first instinct is to run!!!
I know you were speaking of something different, but it’s all in the same family. What we project is what people “see.”
That’s hard to to when you’re not feeling so upbeat. Good ideas, especially “you don’t have control over other people.” That’s a hard one to learn. I’m still working on it!