Don’t worry, this post is not as ominous as it sounds…
I was talking to a friend last week who’s a relationship therapist. One of the first requests he’ll make of his coupled clients is: “I want each of you to list all the ways in which you will destroy your relationship with each other.”
After the clients exchange shocked looks and grumbled protests like “things might be tough sometimes, but we love each other…why would we destroy our relationship??”, they begrudgingly start to make their lists.
And to their surprise, they know exactly what they will do to destroy it.
This exercise is meant to be revealing about ourselves. We know what our fears are, and many of us also know how they tend to manifest in relationships. These fears can be very destructive, and take various forms of attack (though we may not look at what we do or say as “attacking”). You may say hurtful things to your partner. You may hide things. You may react too quickly and too often. You may not show vulnerability. You may judge.
Whatever the case, we don’t want to own the fact that we have the potential to destroy our own relationships through our less-than-perfect behavior. We don’t want to think that something we worked to build could be undermined by…us. This is a scary idea for a number of reasons:
- We want to be the perfect partner
- We’d rather blame than take a close look at what we’re doing wrong
- We’re scared to reveal ourselves
- We’re scared of our emotions
- We’re scared of the relationship actually ending because of our behavior
I’m sure there are a lot more, but that’s a good list to start. For me, it seems all of this destructive behavior comes down to one thing: fear.
While I’ve carried fear with me through my life, I’m learning to let go (see my recent blog post about this). I will not let my fears destroy my marriage. I’m madly in love with my husband, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be weak at times. I endured a lot to get here, so I’m well aware of how easily relationships can dissolve. With this one, I refuse to give up. I will admit when I’m wrong. I will not attack. I will speak up when I feel hurt. I will recognize when I’m slipping. Please, please let me recognize when I am slipping…
Self-awareness really is most important. I think my therapist friend would agree.
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
Wow, I guess deep down inside we all know the things that we do that destroy our relationships. It is easy to succumb to fear, and to just to place blame rather than to adjust our behavior. I think that for some people it’s less scary to not really give their relationship their all because then they still have the excuse somewhere deep inside that they didn’t quite give it their all if it doesn’t work out. I think that the greatest fear that almost everyone has is that you will give it your all and that somehow this still will not be enough to make your relationship work. Of course after enough years I think that those fears do subside, at least they have for me.
This is really good. I actually think that the some of the ways we could destroy a relationship will be particular to the specific relationship. One ex of mine always compared me to past boyfriends, something I haven’t experienced much with anyone else. And while the “perfect partner syndrome” was an issue I had in early relationships, it’s pretty much been burned out of me now.
But I think those other four reasons you listed are pretty core and commonplace. I certainly resonate with them.
Hi Tina,
I guess the post was more ominous than I thought. When my friend told me he asked this question as a starting point, it intrigued and scared me. I immediately thought of everything I do wrong, which is a frightening thing. But I really believe sometimes we choose to look the other way, or we blame. It’s easier than trying to change. I’m glad to hear these fears subside over time!
Nathan—thanks for stopping by! Glad to hear about the perfect partner syndrome being a thing of the past. I’m still struggling with some of these, but have definitely improved with each relationship.