I thought it might be time to talk about the 800-pound elephant in the room, or at least in my head. Even though I like to consider myself spiritual and thoughtful, I succumb to some negative thinking at times. Jealousy is one.
I have watched friends get married and have babies while I’ve stood by smiling and buying presents off of countless registries. There was one episode of Sex and the City that was particularly poignant with me…when Carrie goes to a wedding shower and laments about the fact that she’s been to countless weddings and bought thousands of dollars in presents…but she’s never gotten married and never received anything in return. And she figures that this is likely to never happen. So where is the celebration of her own life as an independent person? Isn’t that as much a choice as marriage? Shouldn’t she get a registry for her favorite pair of Louboutins?
I started to think about all of the weddings I’d been in, attended…and all of the baby showers. While I was happy for my friends and they were celebrating a joyous and momentous occasion, I couldn’t help but feel a pang of jealousy. What did they have that I didn’t? Here I was celebrating for someone else again. Why couldn’t I find someone too?
But the thing I realized is, jealousy is not so honest. Jealousy happens when you put yourself in a position of always wanting, and not realizing what you presently have. It tries to take control when it shouldn’t. It tries to make you believe proclamations that aren’t really true. Things like I’ll never find someone, or all of the good ones are taken or gay. According to the latest census, 41% of the US population is single, so I’d have a hard time proving these proclamations. But in the moment of jealousy, they seem like truth.
I still struggle with jealousy. There are many things I want. But I guess the difference now is that I realized I don’t think my life is somehow “less than” because of what someone else has. The key is, there is no shortage of opportunities just because someone else gets something I want. Comparisons are useless. I know that life constantly presents opportunities in ways I don’t even realize. If I am too busy dwelling on what I don’t have, I can’t actually realize an opportunity right in front of me.
And I likely would never have met my boyfriend, started writing, or done anything else that was worth pursuing in my life. Thanks, jealousy for pointing this out.
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
I don’t think that being extremely thoughtful and spiritual are necessarily incompatible with periodically experiencing jealousy; it seems a lot more self-destructive to believe that *truly* wonderful people don’t have to wrestle with that particular feeling. It’s a close parallel to the reality of what courage truly is:
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear — not absence of fear. — Mark Twain
Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear. — Ambrose Redmoon
Or to explain it another way… The fact that once in a long while, frustration/pain makes me jealous of people that weren’t born with VACTERL, doesn’t mean that I’m lacking in self-acceptance or want to be ‘normal’. It means I’m a human being, and like anybody else, periodically have a bad moment that makes me forget that every difference between people involves a trade-off. (For example: surviving on low disability/SSI funds also means having the time to write others only dream of.) Those bad moments where I contemplate what I don’t have also motivate me to see how I can improve my everyday life — looking into new procedures, trying new nutrients, contacting new potential friends online — rather than being content to stagnate. One can dwell on what their life is lacking without it being an unhealthy endeavor!
PS Next time you’re jealous of a new parent, spend some time looking into the hard reality of motherhood… In modern society, those of us that haven’t had kids are given a pretty “Kodak moment” version of things, rather than getting the gritty everyday experience as people did even just a century ago, and a lot of us end up reproducing before we’re ready, or worse, without knowing it’s not what we’re cut out for. I quite like the STFUParents blog for that: you’ll either start getting some ideas or at least amusement!
(Hope that wasn’t offensive… I grew up with a mom that would’ve been happier without kids, and saw the damage it does to the woman & the marriage. Our society needs parents like my great-grandma, who respected/loved the hard work enough to foster all kinds of kids for decades in addition to having a couple of her own — not more of the masses that assume it’s part of adulthood and have their reasons for reproducing begin with “I want”…)
Jealousy can be quite rewarding if you embrace it in the right way.
*Plentymorefishoutofwater – One Man’s Dating Diary*
Fishy – Thanks for the insight, as always!
Xyxxy – Thanks so much for your thoughtful comments. Great points, and I will check out the website. I agree with you about being stagnant. I think though that there is a line between trying to improve things and becoming obsessed with having what someone else has. Jealousy is a tricky thing, because it is easy to fall into. That was my main point with this post…trying to recognize when I do.
I think every long time single gal can relate to this although I think jealousy is not quite the right word. Envy perhaps.
Like the song says ‘What about me?’ when is it my turn????
My motto over the last couple of years is ‘If you help enough people get what they want, I will get what I want’ so I am currently helping, coaching, teaching on ubjects as diverse as financial and emotional intelligence, advice on finding true love and more ….
I can see my own harvest manifesting as we speak – bring it on – woohoo!
Kelly, you are completely right about jealously not being honest, because it does not count what you do have. Honestly, would you have really wanted my life? Or any one elses?
Xyzzy, I love your comment about people without kids only seeing the “kodak moments,” not the three a.m. vomiting moments. So true. The grass ALWAYS seems greener on the other side. Envy (yes, a better word, Cathy) is very tempting, because it is easier than facing reality, which is that everything has a cost. If I wasn’t married, I could live within my budget, or volunteer more. If I didn’t have kids, then I’d be able to travel, or take that promotion. Xyzzy, you point out jealousy can do good things. I agree; but like anger, only if you use it as an indication light, and not as a navigation system. That’s the hard part. Well, that and the whole reality thing . . . daydreaming is much easier . . . maybe if I just moved to L.A. 😉
Constructive jealousy is good. We have a local dictum that says “Imitate but don’t envy.”
Comparisons, I never cease to repeat to mom, are too subjective to accurately classify people as losers and winners. Identical twins don’t necessarily perform the same, let alone people from different emotional, financial, societal and genetic backgrounds.
I know, for a fact and from personal experience, that as soon as a whiner stops complaining, something terrific lands on their doorway. As I write this, I ‘m keeping my bitching to a suffocating minimum. 😉 And I ain’t jealous of anybody – only of my bestest performances in life, all domains included. Oooh, I smell moaning. I’d better go. ,-)