A couple of friends recently told me they were smitten with their new guys. They’d only been out on a couple of dates, but things seemed to be going so well. Then a few days went by and I found out that the relationships had already fizzled. For various reasons.
My heart sank. I knew this feeling of giddiness followed by disappointment. When I was dating, I would get excited about every new guy who showed potential. If we had chemistry, there was no stopping our relationship. I handed over my number, thinking surely he would feel the same and want to call me right away. I stopped my online searching, waiting for our next date. I know, dumb move. But I couldn’t think about anyone else if there was one guy in the picture who excited me. I had to find out if he was indeed the elusive “one”. I put my hope and expectations on him. No pressure.
These guys tended to fade, run the other way, or string me along until they met someone else, leaving me frustrated and disappointed. What was wrong with me?? I wasn’t a crazy stalker girl, but I’m sure they sensed my ability to mentally skip ahead and picture our impending exclusive relationship..sharing wine, taking trips, falling for each other. All before we’d been out on more than a handful of dates. I’d be freaked out too.
Being excited about a new guy is one thing, but placing my hopes and expectations in a man I barely knew was not the smartest move. Chemistry counts, but it’s not the only thing that makes a relationship move forward. In fact, it can get in the way of clear thinking sometimes. This is why I started ignoring my tendency to pursue a seemingly promising relationship and force myself to date more than one guy at a time, even if I was only interested in one. And it worked. It took the pressure off. I stopped with the expectations and just let things happen. I became a happier and less neurotic dater. I got to know my dates before making assumptions about who they were (previously they fell into two categories: Mr. Amazing or Mr. Wrong).
I learned that there is a gray area in dating, much like in the rest of life. It’s here where the magic can happen. Instead of thinking of my dates as either “right” or “wrong” for me, I put my judgment on hold. The thing is, my expectations were getting in the way of getting to really know someone. Whether or not I liked him, I would make assumptions about his character or personality that weren’t true and base my decisions on that. Not helpful.
While it’s great to be excited about a possible new relationship, it helped me to take things slowly and remember that a few good dates and incredible chemistry didn’t mean that this was the man for me. What mattered was how things progressed. What mattered was that I discovered the good and bad as I went along (i.e. he was really affectionate but was controlling about what restaurants we dined in). We’re all human, and none of us think or behave in black or white. Many times we don’t know what we want, even if we think we do. What matters most is that we pay attention rather than make assumptions. Only then can we see what we clearly desire in a relationship, not just in a date.
Have you been completely excited about a guy, only to be disappointed when it didn’t work out as you expected?
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
Dating was SUCH a roller-coaster of emotions for me, too. I tried to balance that feeling of excitement and potential with much of my past experience of disappointment. I also felt like I was walking a tight-rope trying to give someone enough of a chance that I felt had real potential without investing myself so much that I’d become more damaged if it didn’t work out.
You have told the story of my life, Kelly. I used to get all excited about the novelty of things, which many guys took for desperation to be in a relationship ASAP. I understand why now. Today, I prefer to go the “good friends first” route, explore a few fish in the sea (harmless since dating is sexless for me) and, then, settle for the one whose soul is effortlessly most compatible with mine. It’s important to calm down, shield one’s heart and let things unfold. 🙂