Guest post: Settling Sucks!

I’m very excited to announce that the witty, insightful and talented Skye Blue over at Metanotherfrog has contributed today’s guest post for us!

The topic? Settling. That’s right…something we all say we’ll never do, but then the clock starts ticking and we become bitter or scared or some other version of ourselves that doesn’t feel good and we fall into this trap. In work, in love, in anything. Ms. Blue is here to remind us to be true to ourselves. Read on…

I was 27 and no one else had proposed, what was I supposed to do? – 32 year old, mother of two speaking on her pending divorce.

Oh Lord…Relationships are just too much work and men are too much trouble, I’m better off on my own. – 40-something single and chronically not dating woman.

Although I’m sure that most of you agree that settling does indeed suck, it seems to me that a whole lot of women – way more than makes any kind of sense – settle for less than they deserve.  Unnecessarily. I mean, despite all the talk floating around about positive thinking and optimism, when it comes to dating, mating and relationships, it would appear that most of us are making our way through life with a ‘cup half empty perspective’ (as the quotes above attest to).

And that’s a perspective that…

1.      Causes some of us settle for a man who shows up ‘right on time’ instead of waiting for the right man, because we want to rid ourselves of ‘problems’ like: the very LOUD and incessant ticking of our biological clocks ringing in our ears; having to face the pity seen  in the eyes of family, friends and even exceptionally brazen strangers when we say “Yes, I’m still single”;  and/or dating non-stop to find the man who will ‘validate’ us as lovable and desirable woman, by putting a ring on it.

2.     Keeps many of us women sitting on the sidelines of the dating and mating scene, talking about how we’re “a-ok being single”, while consoling ourselves with the fact that we are “oh so lucky” to not have to deal with all the shit our married or chronically attached sisters put up with. Instead, we try to hide (mostly from ourselves) the fact that we really don’t believe that we’ll ever find a man who’ll commit to us (the way all those fairy tales we read in our childhood convinces us they would) – for real – by settling for going it solo (more often than not), and/or a few rounds of hot sex when we can get it.

Yep.  Any way you slice it, settling totally SUCKS!

Now before I go on, I’m going to take a little side step here, to address those of you sitting smugly in front of your computer screens shaking your heads (yes, I see you) because you believe that you don’t belong in either camp. You’re thinking to yourself, “Skye. None of what you’re saying applies to me. I’m way more secure/together/grounded than that”, right? Well, before you get too comfortable over there being all “judgey-wudgey” (to use one of my fave Something She Dated-isms) allow me point something out to you.  I’d be willing to bet that if you stopped to take a long hard look at yourself, you’ll find that you’ve probably chosen to settle in some other area of your life. It may be that you’re staying in a job that is mind-numbingly boring and you’ve long since outgrown, because you’re too scared to go after that big promotion or start your own business. Or are you that girl? You know, the one putting off losing all that extra weight ‘til next week, season or year – again, because _______ (go on, insert your own lame and tired excuses here).  But then again, maybe you’re the one crying ‘poverty’, blaming your penchant for pretty shoes and handbags poor money management skills for the fact that you never seem to be able to save enough money to _________ (come on girl, don’t be shy. Insert your laundry list of unfulfilled dreams here).  If you really take the time to check yourself by considering whatever it is you’re perpetually not doing, somehow and some way you’re settling. (Just Sayin’)

The fact is, that although it’s pretty easy to mark the women who are settling for less than they deserve in their romantic lives (it’s generally hard to miss 6’, 180lbs of dead weight shadowing them and even harder not hear the “I so don’t need a man” brand of chat some of them spew), most of us have made the choice to just settle for what we can get or the status quo in at least one area of our lives. But here’s the thing. From what I can tell, we tend to manifest what we believe. Now, I’m not going to get all hokey and “The Secret-ish” on you (at least not too much anyway), but based on my experience it’s cold, hard truth.

You see, the women – even the ones sporting five o’clock shadows and other seemingly male-repelling traits – I know who are certain (in their heart of hearts – not just intellectually) that they’ll meet and connect with a man who will love them and commit to them; meet, date, co-habitate and/or marry such men. And the women – however thin, beautiful, smart and ‘superfly’ they might be – who tell themselves that it’s really hard to meet someone and make a meaningful connection, in order to build a lasting relationship, tend to meet guys that support their beliefs that “All the good men are married or gay”, “I’ll never meet a guy that’s right for me” or “Relationships are just too much trouble”.

In essence, what I’m trying to say is that what I now (it took almost 40 years to figure this shit out – FML) know to be true about life, love, relationships and particularly your own self-worth is that…

We live what we believe.

And with that in mind, the question of the day is:

What do you believe?

Unsure? Then, stick with me for a few more minutes and maybe you can start sussing it all out. To your mind are…

• Romantic connections too much trouble to bother with, worth giving up everything else you dream of for, or just one part of your otherwise fabulous life?
• Do you think of men (or women if that’s the way you swing) as difficult or intriguing?
• Do you hold your lovers to the same high standard you hold your friends and family to, always acknowledging that you teach people how to treat you? Or do you slap a people-pleasing smile on your face and let things slide to keep them around?
• Are you nervously buzzing around in time to the ticking of your biological clock, hunting for any man (barely) suitable enough to be the father of your unborn children, or are you committed to keeping the faith (yes, I know it’s damn hard), knowing the right man will show up when you’re ready for him?
• Have you made the decision to enjoy your life to the fullest whether or not you’re flying solo; or are you putting your dreams/life on hold as you wait for Mr. Right to finally appear?
• Are you unhappy with the state of your life, but resigned to the fact that things won’t change no matter what you do, or are you committed to working hard to create your own happiness because you understand (for really real) that simply by virtue of the fact that you are taking up space on this planet you are more than worth it?

I could go on, but you all see where I’m going with this already, right?

Ladies, the Gospel according to Skye is this…

If you want something to change in your life, be it finding the love you desire; ending or perhaps re-vamping a relationship you can no longer stand to be in; and/or altering whatever needs to be tweaked so you can live the life you dream of, take some time to:

Reflect on what it is you really believe.

Figure out how those beliefs are manifesting in your life (because, believe me, they definitely are).

Decide what you can do to change things.

And then, just go for it.

Trust me. It’s really that simple. So, I implore you, stop settling. Get up and go for yours…

NOW.

Nuff said,

S

About Kelly Seal

Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.

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