Photo by Anthony Tran on Unsplash
Have you ever been ghosted? Did you find yourself unable to move past it? You’re not alone. Ghosting has become a bit of an epidemic among daters, and it’s not going away.
I watched the latest episode of Issa Rae’s Insecure last night (go out and binge this NOW). It covered the topic of ghosting so well – specifically how we react emotionally to being ghosted.
Ghosting is a practice where a person you’ve been dating suddenly, inexplicably disappears. They don’t answer your texts, they don’t call—and it can really mess with your head. You start thinking that you did something wrong, you said something wrong. Many times you can’t figure out why it happened. You wonder if you’re just cursed or unlovable in some way. And the worst part? You probably will never know exactly what happened, because many people don’t hear from their ghosters ever again.
Ghosting seems ridiculous, right? If you’re not interested in someone, why go out with them, lead them on, only to disappear?
This is the problem with ghosting. There’s no logical reason behind the behavior. Perhaps your date met someone new and didn’t consider it necessary to let you know (hey—you weren’t committed, right??). Or maybe they weren’t feeling so in love anymore. Maybe they were freaked out by the idea of getting serious. Who knows?? But this is the point – you’ll never know, and far too often, we waste a lot of time trying to figure it out.
Another ghosting complication is that if you’re friends on social media, you can see what they are up to without you. It might make your mind go into overdrive.
On Insecure, Issa is so consumed by her new love ghosting her that she goes to his house to snoop around. She wants to see if their connection was real, if she actually meant something to him. She finds his Coachella bracelet in a drawer and seems to get some reassurance that he was holding onto it for a reason – for her. But still, it left her feeling unsatisfied, heartbroken.
So many of us can relate to this. How many times have you fallen for someone who ended up disappointing you? Ghosting isn’t a fair practice, it’s bad dating behavior. While we expect people to do the right thing, to let us know if they aren’t interested, many people back away from this. They don’t want the conflict that comes along with confrontation.
Unfortunately, we don’t always get the resolution we want. It’s up to us to pick ourselves up and move on, which feels like punishment. But really, it’s empowerment.
Following are some steps to move past your ghosting experience:
Acknowledge that it happened.
While we can’t control someone else’s behavior or actions, we can control ours. When you have been ghosted, the first step is acknowledging it. If she isn’t returning your texts or calls, there’s not much you can do about it. It’s time to accept that it happened. Easier said than done, but it’s the first step in moving on. It helps to delete their contact information and unfollow them on social media, so you’re not tempted to check on them.
Stop blaming yourself.
It’s easy to go over all of the reasons why someone stopped texting or calling. You replay conversations in your head, you second-guess all of your actions. This is counter-productive. The ghosting isn’t about you, it’s about your date choosing to disappear. Nothing you did led to that particular action – that was your date’s bad choice.
Don’t let ghosting derail you.
This is even more important, because so often we get down and are jaded about finding love. Being ghosted is enough to make you doubt everyone’s sincerity – so don’t succumb to this trap. There are many good people out there, and you will meet them. You just have to move forward, one step at a time. Trust that you will open your heart again to someone more deserving, and you will.
Believe in love. It is out there. Ghosting will lead you to someone else who is more deserving of your heart.
XO,
Kelly
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
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