I’m working on my book, and I’ve come to the part about first impressions. This is a tricky subject, because many of us don’t realize how we come across to our dates. That, and we tend to put WAY more effort into our “look” than our behavior (this isn’t just an L.A. thing). This was especially obvious hosting speed dating events.
Our events were held after work, so most people came in their work attire, which was great. No Daisy Dukes or cleavage hanging out. Although a few guys came decked in gold chains and had apparently bathed in Axe cologne, but at least they’d made an effort to dress up.
The problem was not with looks/appearances, but attitude.
Let me back up. The guys tended to come alone, and were a bit unsure of how to do things. Many would try to list off all of their attributes in 3 minutes or less. They felt they had to sell themselves quickly, so instead of asking questions, they’d talk about how successful they were or what projects they were “making happen”. One even liked to hand out a resume of himself, complete with a checklist of cholesterol counts and oral hygiene practices. Anyway, they came across as self-absorbed or insecure rather than confident and successful. If they’d relaxed and let conversation flow, they could go into more detail about themselves with a girl the next time they met. (They’d at least have a better shot of there being a next time…)
The women often came in groups, which can be intimidating for many guys. Who wants to be judged by a band of whispering females? If any had a bad work day, they’d bring that with them too. The women could be critical and tough, expecting their checklists of qualities to be met simply because they would have a choice of 15 or 20 dates in one night. Surely one would be rich, hot, charismatic…perfect, right?
Not so much. These events were supposed to be fun and loose, like networking mixers. No guarantees, but an opportunity to meet people and socialize. But some guys and girls came across as nervous, edgy, picky, or self-conscious…even though I’m sure they didn’t think so…just because they were expecting to connect immediately with someone. This made no sense to me. At least with online dating, you know who you’re getting when you agree to meet for a date (even if the picture is 15 years old), so I can understand being disappointed or surprised. With speed dating, it’s a crapshoot with no guarantees. So why set yourself up with unrealistic expectations? Relax.
But I digress. First impressions are key when dating, because you don’t get multiple opportunities to state your case. But try focusing your effort on your overall attitude and behavior. If you’re in a bad mood from work, let it go. If you’re feeling insecure, wear something that makes you feel good. If you’re feeling desperate, remind yourself of all the things you have in your life rather than only what you want.
Maybe the speed daters didn’t know what they were doing most of the time, but they did teach me a lot about how to act and not act on a date, and the value of first impressions.
Oh, and they taught me to not take dating so seriously.
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
Good god, he brought copies of his CV?! That’s just… wow.
I still haven’t given Parisian speed dating that second shot that I promised myself after the first failure, but I wonder how different it would be if I tried it here in California… Any recommendations for the San Francisco Bay Area? 🙂
Yeah, I didn’t know what to do with that one. He even printed them out on bright orange and yellow paper—like a big warning sign??
I have never done speed dating in SF, but Hurry Date is pretty good and is all over (they usually have good numbers–better to see how many people are signed up first…if they tend to sell out, it’s a good sign). SpeedLADating sounds really fun but I haven’t tried that one—at least you get free food and makeovers. They just started in SF so maybe you can check them out: http://www.speedladating.com/
My golden rule in these situations is to let the girl do the talking. Reeling off why you’re a catch is not going to get you anywhere. Seem interested and say something funny and you’re far more likely to get somewhere. Oh, and I like the idea of going straight after work. I look better in my skinny work suit than any of my ‘dating’ outfits. And yes, I do have specific outfits that I think show me off best to first dates. How sad.
*Plentymorefishoutofwater – One Man’s Dating Diary*
I missed the speed dating scene but it does sound fun. And a good way to potentially meet some cool people AND save time.
I agree, when the clock is ticking, people feel the need to sell themselves. But really, just letting it flow, by rolling with the conversation instead of forcing it is the way to go.
I love the resume one. It proves that fact is way funnier than fiction, because who in their wildest dreams would make up a character that did that.
Women do need to get over the pack mentality when they are looking to meet people. Really, it’s not even just on the dating scene. I’ve even been to business events where women arrived, stayed and left in a pack and didn’t meet a single new person. I can’t imagine how intimidating it must be for a guy to approach a pack of females.
Looking forward to reading your book:)
It is sadly true, but first impressions when it comes to anything, does come first, it leaves a inprint in you rmind.