I used to host speed dating events. Like, a lot of them. If I were to total the amount of dates I had over my 6-year stint as a host, it would be up in the hundreds. Maybe a thousand. I don’t really like to think about it.
Because of this, I was also able to witness a lot of dating. BAD dating….both men and women who didn’t really know how to do it. But the basic problem I saw over and over again was that daters weren’t really “getting” each other. They were misunderstood.
For example, many women would come in groups with their friends. They would sit together and compare notes. They’d be even more judgmental than on a normal date. If they came alone, they got a drink and sat at the bar, not talking to anyone until the actual event started because they were shy or reserved. The men usually came alone, and immediately started making excuses for why they were there: “I just broke up with my girlfriend” or “A friend told me to try this” were favorites. Most were nervous and anxious to appear nice, successful, and charming…like they didn’t really need speed dating to find a date.
The problem was, everyone was so busy being self-conscious that they didn’t really get to know one another. Guys thought the girls who sat alone were being snobby and would never go out with them. Girls thought many of the guys were trying too hard to impress. The reality was, nobody was truly getting to know one another…they were just making assumptions based on body language, a few words exchanged, and appearance. Is that really giving someone a fair shot?
I heard from both the women and the men after each event. Many were dissatisfied because they made assumptions. But usually, they were wrong.
In defense of the guys, they were more willing to look past the speed dating rounds and see the women again in another setting. The women however, refused to entertain a real date with a guy unless she felt chemistry in the first five minutes. We don’t exactly give love a real chance…we are looking for instant attraction, and nothing else will do.
I’m not dissing chemistry, but I think it’s overrated. Many times we feel “chemistry” with the wrong people…the bad boys, the emotionally unavailable, the charming types. But a guy who has a nervous laugh or maybe a little too much sweat in his brow? Not a chance..there’s no “spark”. We don’t stick around to find out if there could be.
I think that dating leaves a lot of room for misunderstandings. Speed dating was an interesting way to observe primal dating behavior. Granted, it’s not like a real date. But I think it’s real enough in that while we are on dates, we are constantly sizing each other up, making judgments…there is a lot of mental chatter. We don’t really “get” the person because we are so busy categorizing and deciding whether he/she would be worth more of our time.
Because of this, i think many people miss out.
There is something to be learned on every single date we have. If someone isn’t right for us, they have something to show us. They bring some kind of understanding of who we are. They are people, struggling and dating just like we are. Even if they are the worst daters imaginable.
I’m not saying we should all hold hands and sing kumbaya and we’d find true love with whoever crossed our paths. But I do think we miss out on opportunities all the time. People come and go from our lives…maybe it’s time to really get to know them before we dismiss them. Sometimes, we could all be better daters.
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
I agree, we’re always looking for instant satisfaction, instead of follow the process and see what happens.
I agree, people do give a shove off too quickly. That’s why I always give a second date chance if the guy was nice. I don’t feel an instantanious click with most people, I always have to test the waters, so this works for me.
I have to admit that for me I always think that you know if the person has the “potential” to be the one with a few minutes based on whether or not there is a spark. It’s absolutely true that you can have chemistry and find that he isn’t the right guy, but no matter what you learn through dating a person, it’s hard to enjoy yourself when a spark just isn’t there.
Good stuff here, and you are so right about how we (both men and women) sometimes send out the wrong signals. However, I do believe there needs to be some chemistry present. Not talking about an instant “wow, he is the one” moment, but at least a “wow, he is someone I can work with”. I really enjoy browsing through the various sites about dating and relationships but here is the deal-it really isnt as complicated as we make it. I think if people were up front about what they really wanted and sought….
http://www.kellyseal.com – da mejor. Guardar va!
Have a nice day
Ivan
Great positive uplifting article. I agree there is a lot of judging — too much perhaps — going on in the dating process. And chemistry can be way overrated. I can’t tell you the number of times I felt chemistry, ended up dating the guy, only to regret in the end.
Hey Lipstickandplaydates…thanks for stopping by! I’m not saying chemistry should be totally left out of the equation, I just think that people do put way too much emphasis on immediate attraction. If you like someone, get to know them. Then see if chemistry happens. It’s not a waste of time, it’s an unveiling. Sexy.