How long does it take to fall in love?
Sometimes we all need a refresher course in love. Especially with online dating. It’s just so f***ing frustrating sometimes. I hear the constant rumblings of those in the trenches: Why can’t I just meet someone normal, have great chemistry, and then fall in love? What’s with all the mind games, maneuvering, and ADD-dating? Why can’t we just fall in love?
I was reading this essay in the New York Times (my favorite column, Modern Love), and it’s like a bolt of lightning struck. Or at least, we have a clearer way of looking at love than I think most of us realize. You see, love is a science, or at least it can be experimented with.
In the essay, the writer followed the instruction of a psychologist who had conducted some research and came up with a method to help people fall in love. No, I’m not shitting you. 36 questions to ask the object of your maybe-affection. Plus four minutes of staring into each other’s eyes. Then you know for sure.
So, she tested it out – and sure enough, she fell in love with her subject. And he fell in love with her.
Now, maybe they had great chemistry anyway and it would have happened eventually – like after a lot of mind games and endless months of dating, breaking up and getting back together. But I digress. The real point of the article was even more simple: love is active. It is intentional. It is a verb. Love is not something that just happens – like when you’re thinking about something else and Mr. Right appears at your door.
Love is not something you fall into.
Instead, it requires something of you. It requires your vulnerability, your intention, your attention. It requires you to reveal yourself – however slow or fast – to someone else who may or may not return the favor. This is the risk you take. Both of you take, if you’re willing. It strips you down in order to create intimacy with someone else.
The thing is, in order to be in any kind of loving relationship, we have to first create intimacy. This means actively wanting to love and be loved. This means that we need to drop the facade and allow others to drop theirs, too. We need to give up on past hurts, the anger, the defensiveness – at least temporarily to create a space for it.
When love is extended to us, it is a relief because we can truly be ourselves. Has there ever been a time when you were afraid of your colleague seeing through to the “real” you – the one with faults? Doesn’t it feel better to fail in the safe arms of your good friend who will love you anyway?
This is active love. Giving someone the space to truly reveal themselves. To be human. To have faults. To fall, as it were.
Try the experiment on your next date, or when you feel brave enough to ask someone to venture down this road with you. It’s not easy, and it requires your attention. Mote importantly, it requires you both to have a little courage. But don’t you think everything worth anything in life happens with some bravery on your part?
Let me know what happens….
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
Providing a safe and respectful place for people to open up is vital in any genuine relationship; love or friendship! It’s like a game of chicken sometimes when forming new relationships; who’s going to open up first?
I’ve seen this article in a few different places this week with mist people doing nothing but stating the obvious- it’s possible.
What I liked about your post is that you stated the not so obvious- the word love being a verb. Love is truly not something you just fall into, but it requires action from each of us.
So simple, yet do powerful.
Thanks for putting things into perspective.
Although you can click with someone, real true, healthy love doesn’t just happen. Too often people mistake infatuation and lust for love, but something built on a firm foundation is more lasting and letting someone be who they are is a great start. Thanks for some good food for thought!