I’m pretty easily frustrated. I like to be on task, with things moving forward quickly and easily. Of course, that rarely happens in life. Usually the unexpected delays and emergencies hit us when we’re most anxious to move forward. Even the little things that prevent me from doing what I need to do can be annoying. Like when I’m trying to print something and the f***ing printer keeps showing an error message. I’m reminded of Office Space and fantasize taking a bat to it out in some kid’s soccer field.
What I’ve learned is, the more frustrated I get, and when I react out of that frustration, I get nowhere. It might feel good to take a few swipes at the printer, but in the end, I just have to buy another. That’s expensive and depressing.
One of the things I’ve learned from going to Marianne Williamson’s lectures is…when you’re frustrated and angry, don’t press the “send” key. Or grab a bat.
Frustrations are part of life. And usually when one thing goes wrong, others do too – putting us more and more out of our comfort zone and into crazy-person mode. You just want a break. You just want to be heard. You just want things to be easier for a change! And sending that hateful email to someone who betrayed you makes you feel better. It makes you feel…right.
But it really doesn’t in the long run. I was talking to a friend the other day, and she’s dating someone new. She knows this about herself: when she is in a relationship, she tends to freak out if she doesn’t know where she stands. If her boyfriend texts her every day and then stops for a couple of days, she wonders if he’s seeing someone else or moved on. There were times when she’s called a boyfriend in the middle of the night just to make sure he’s where he said he’d be. She’s afraid that if she doesn’t keep tabs on what her man is doing that she’ll be hurt. Usually, she is.
The problem is, she allows herself to go crazy thinking of all the things her boyfriend can be doing to avoid being with her. In her experience, many guys have been liars, so she assumes the worst and reacts to that. She doesn’t know how to stop herself from questioning a man’s motives. But then she just keeps repeating the same patterns, driving herself further down the rabbit hole.
To this I simply advise her: stop. Whatever you’re going to do or say to make your crazy side calm down – whether it’s calling him twenty times or demanding why he wasn’t around Friday night – don’t do it or say it. Do the thing that feels uncomfortable. Don’t react. Don’t call the guy, don’t drive by his house, don’t insist he tells you how he feels or what he really wants. Stop yourself from reacting. It feels awful at first, like you’re letting things go out of control. But really, you’re learning to control your runaway mind. You’re training yourself to take charge, not your inner crazy person.
Maybe the guy is a liar after all. You’ll find that out soon enough, so there’s no need to assume and prove your point. The more important question is, can you maintain your equilibrium when you’re dating, or does everything reach manic mode for you? Do you gravitate towards drama? Do you fear every relationship will fail?
I don’t know if he’s the right guy for my friend, but I do know the only way for her to find that out is to change her dating pattern. Give the crazy mind a rest.
In other words, stop reacting to what you don’t want and start making room for what you do want.
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
Every day is a constant battle against my own cynicism, self-hatred, regret and distrust. I feel for your friend, I find that it is so easy to assume the worst when that’s all we’ve been experiencing with our previous guys up until that point. However, I do try to keep a lid on the crazy and not act out on it. So far, I’ve been doing pretty well, but it’s only a matter of time before I snap, no? I’m not sure…
I do like what you said about how if the dude is a liar, I’ll find out soon enough and there’s no point in assuming and freaking about it before the fact. But if only this weren’t so difficult for the crazy broads such as myself! 😉
Thanks Helene. I do feel her pain, too. Hell, I was that crazy girl at certain points in my life, when I was head-over-heels and the guys kept sending mixed signals. I drove out to one’s house in the middle of the night and sure enough—some strange car was parked there. But then I chickened out before actually going in. Luckily.
I think that people reveal themselves to us. When we act out according to the crazy voice in our heads, it leads to nothing good. When we focus on moving our lives forward without letting our thoughts get out of control and trying to control other people, I think we do ourselves a favor and we slowly but surely tell the inner crazy that it’s not welcome.
P.S. Inner crazy is NOT intuition.
Just like Man Shopper, every day is a challenge for me when I’m interested in someone. I use to think I was secure but now I notice a trend…. if someone seems even slightly disinterested I jump ship that day; I let my mind tell me that its sink and swim right now. Controlling my inner crazy = wading in the water.