I want to talk about something that strikes a nerve when the subject of dating comes up. Money. You might wince a little at the word, especially if you’ve struggled with money at any point in your life. I remember when I was 22, standing in line at the grocery store, choosing between a $1.99 bottle of soap and a loaf of bread because I didn’t have the money for both. I could barely pay my $295 rent. I couldn’t look my roommate in the eye when I accepted her offer to drive me places because I didn’t have a car, and I couldn’t even offer to pay gas money.
I hated money. I hated all the stress it caused. Of course, when I was so preoccupied with money,
it affected my dating life, too. I didn’t care for guys who were too ambitious or career-focused. I thought they were snobs who hated people without money. Instead, I gravitated towards those who spent the weekend smoking weed and strumming a guitar, who were okay with crashing on friends’ couches until they saved enough money to rent a place. They seemed like my people.
My point in sharing this is – money does affect how we date, to some degree or another. Some of us crave security, and want a woman or man who earns a good living because we don’t want to be taking care of them indefinitely, or because we want to stay home and raise a family without having to hold down a 9 to 5, too. Others might prefer to date people with similar economic backgrounds, whether it’s the country club set or those who punch a timeclock every day. Money colors and shapes our perspective, especially when it comes to dating.
So how do we let go of our prejudices when it comes to money? How do you know if a woman is dating you because she likes you or because she thinks you’re rich? Why do you seem to attract unemployed drifters that you have to take care of, rather than someone who can stand on his own two feet?
There are so many reasons we gravitate to certain experiences. Maybe we want the security money brings, because we didn’t have it growing up. Maybe we reject those with money because they make us feel “less than.” Maybe it seems easier to be with someone who is ambitious so we don’t have to be. Or maybe we like the idea of being a savior. Ms. Moneybags.
I don’t know. I hate the idea of relying on someone else for putting a roof over my head or food on the table. It was difficult to let my husband take care of me when I was out of work. It’s been difficult to struggle financially – it has kept me up at night.
I had a boyfriend once who liked to split everything 50/50. We were always negotiating. The only time we took each other out to dinner was for our birthdays – other than that, it was totally equal. This should have pleased me (I am a Libra after all—justice is good), but it made me feel weird. I wondered if I should pay half the rent if we moved in together, since he made more money. I wondered if I should pay for half a couch he picked out that I didn’t like. I wondered what would happen if one of us lost a job – would we still be splitting everything 50/50? There seemed to be no leeway.
Here is what I’ve learned about money. It’s good to make and have your own. It’s good to offer to pay for dinner on a date, no matter how rich your girlfriend/ boyfriend is. She will appreciate the gesture. It’s also good to not spend too much time focused on money, who makes more, how ambitious or career-minded your partner is, or whether or not they will take care of you. Ultimately, it’s a give and take. Sometimes you will need help, other times your partner will. You must be willing to rise to the occasion.
Money comes and goes. Try to find a relationship that is strong enough to handle it.
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
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