Much of the dating advice I’ve gotten through the years includes how to prevent myself from being hurt. If I trust him too quickly, he will take advantage. If I show that I like him too much, he will quickly lose interest. If he seems too good to be true, he probably is.
As a girl of Irish descent, my skin is very pale and has a tendency to turn bright red at the slightest provocation. (I’m also Italian, but all I managed to get from this side is my grandmother’s nose rather than some nice olive skin.) I’m not exaggerating; I spent much of middle school hiding in the bathroom to avoid certain classmates’ inclinations to see exactly how red I could get and how fast.
In short, whether I’m embarrassed, angry, or even happy, I turn red. That’s right, I even turn red when I’m smiling and laughing. I had stage fright as a 9-year old child when I gave a tap recital for Miss Dewann Cotten’s Dance Academy. Despite the shadowed audience, i could feel the spotlight on me and my burning face, which made me think everyone was looking at how red and scared I was. I forgot my dance steps, and faked my way through, which was a bummer because I really liked my gold outfit and gold-painted tap shoes. We danced to the hit song “Boogie Shoes”, too. I resented my skin for betraying me to everyone, even strangers.
Because of my red face, I’ve never been able to hide much, and I’m not a good liar. Which could make me a great target in the world of dating. But I made sure I wasn’t. I learned to protect myself by NOT wearing my heart on my sleeve. I wouldn’t say “I love you” first, I wouldn’t normally ask a guy out, and I wouldn’t offer my number before he asked for mine. Mostly because unlike my darker-skinned contemporaries, I am very careful to keep my emotions hidden for as long as I needed to get a good read on the guy I was interested in. Otherwise, he would know how I felt and that left the door open for hurt and betrayal. This allowed me to feel some control.
The problem with my need for control over how I was perceived was the unintended result: I tended to push people away. They thought I was cold or uninterested, when really I was just trying to prevent my face from betraying how I really felt.
It took me a while to realize this, but I’m glad I finally did, because it made the difference in my dating life. Once I allowed myself to be more open, more genuine men came my way. The process wasn’t easy, because I had to put myself out there and I did get suckered a few times. I liked a few guys too much and I trusted a few too quickly. It felt like bungee jumping without checking the cord. But the overall result was a much happier and rewarding dating life, which for a while I didn’t think was possible.
Do you tend to jump in to relationships with your heart on your sleeve, or are you more reserved and self-protecting?
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
In my late twenties I finally decided screw it. I’m just going to be me, put myself out there, and if they like me, they like me. You know what, it worked quite well. It worked better than me playing games, which frankly wasn’t really me. I was never very good at it. It just goes to show that you have to be true to yourself, and when you are, people pick up on that.
I think wearing your heart on your sleeve is a good thing. When you meet the right person there’s no games.
I am a jumper, But after a couple of months I get bored. It’s really frustrating that it happens EVERY SINGLE TIME.
*Plentymorefishoutofwater – One Man’s Dating Diary*
OOTG – Thanks for your comment, and I totally agree. I had to learn this the hard way!
Fishy – maybe you are romanticizing about each girl, and not really getting to know them? I guess I’m thinking of Winslet Bosom, who I can picture physically but not personality-wise, based on how you describe her. Dan on the other hand…I think I’ve dated him.
I wear my heart on my sleeve & i have done so for many many years now (i am 40) From what i have experienced my male friends find it uneasy to hear a guy being so open & most women i have met have liked it to a point. I don’t know to what point they don’t like it, I don’t know if it is seen as weakness or just a simple case of not meeting a guy that finds it easy to be open & say to the woman in question what he thinks, not that i over do it as i never on about how i feel, but how i find the woman & all women are different. From how my life has went so far i will always be alone because my heart is on my sleeve & I’ve yet to find a woman that can take the openess that i have to give, on a friendship level though woman love a guy that is so open with his feelings, but nothing more than as friend. Maybe i still have something to learn about women at the age of 40 that i have not seen for the first part of my life lol