Have you ever left a relationship feeling angry, frustrated, let down? Did you find yourself lashing out – unable to resist pressing the “send” key and unleashing a vitriolic email or text to your ex?
Chances are, sending that nasty email felt really good in the moment. But maybe that feeling of “yeah, I put you back in your place” didn’t last. That familiar unsettling feeling comes over you, and five minutes later, you realize you are still in pain.
When it comes to breakups, there is so much raw emotion involved. Unless you are both are in agreement and feeling good about calling it quits, chances are one of you is really hurt, maybe even shocked that it has ended. And that pain can take hold and really do a number on you. It’s happened to me. I remember at the end of one particularly difficult relationship feeling like everything around me was in slow motion, gray. It was difficult to paint on a smile, go to work and be a normal person. Especially because we worked together. It was a constant reminder of what I’d lost – and it felt like he was flaunting his new relationship, making my pain even more pronounced.
Pain is real, and it’s hard. But in order to work through your feelings and the break-up itself to get some kind of closure, it’s necessary to own your own part in where the relationship went wrong.
Before you plead your case about what a horrible person your ex is, and how your outrage is justified – and it’s quite possible he or she did some horrible things – let me just emphasize: I’m not talking about your ex. I’m talking about you, and what you can do.
You can’t control your ex, or his/ her actions. The only person you have control over in this scenario is you – your behavior, attitude, and beliefs. But what we all tend to do is blame, and try to make the other person take responsibility for all of our pain. And if he doesn’t, we feel worse. We feel angry. We feel hurt.
This is a recipe for suffering. So instead of placing blame, it’s time to take control over what we can, and help end our own suffering.
The phrase “let it go” is incredibly powerful, especially in this case. Instead of trying to make your ex see what he/she did wrong, it is up to you to try and forge a new path in your own life. Think about what you want, not what you are lacking. Think about your life ahead and what it looks like, not the one you left behind.
It can be scary to go forth into the unknown, but also empowering. If you insist on being stuck in the past, trying to engage and blame your ex, you will keep yourself from moving forward into a healthier, happier life.
There is no “winner” or “loser” in any relationship – there are just two people, trying their best to move on. If we pit ourselves against our exes, we are forever bound to them, until we set ourselves free.
Don’t you just want to let your ex go, once and for all? Don’t you want to move on to a happier place in your life, to a new love?
So this Valentine’s Day, forgive your ex. Set yourself free. Fill your life with love instead.
XO,
Kelly
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
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