I’m a big online dating advocate. You can join a dozen apps at once like Tinder, Happn, Hinge and Coffee Meets Bagel – it’s an online dating buffet! And it’s so much easier than before. Instead of creating a detailed profile or conducting a photo shoot, you can just link to your Instagram page, and everything’s good. Then swipe.
And then you keep swiping, message a few people, swipe some more – swipe while you’re bored at work, waiting in line at the grocery store, or binge-watching OITNB. Pretty soon you’ve gone through 100 profiles without blinking.
Then the reality of online dating sets in. There are just so many choices – how can you possibly keep up? Even worse – you don’t remember the ones you swiped left on.
You schedule to meet 5 people that week, maybe a couple of them on the same night. You are messaging another 5 over Tinder. You can’t remember if LolaFunGirl liked horseback riding – or was that SkyDivingDiva? At any rate, after too many messages, too many new faces, and a lot of swipes that lead nowhere, you are kind of over it. Then you join another dating app, thinking that is the problem. Of course the better matches are on the next app you try. Then you get Tinder burnout, or Happn burnout, or Bumble burnout…you get the picture.
Dating apps aren’t the problem. As I say in my book Date Expectations, it’s your approach to online dating.
If you are dealing with online dating burnout every few weeks, then try out another app and experience the same burnout again, and again – chances are you need to do an online dating detox.
Detoxing is not for the faint of heart or those of us who are addicted to all social media on our phones – especially dating apps – because it requires learning a new skill. Patience.
I know I’ve said the dreaded word “patience” to online daters. I know. You get told over and over how to be patient, how to date, how to meet more women/men. There’s a ton of advice out there. There are professionals who you can pay to craft your profile or Cyrano your messages. You can hire a digital matchmaker. You have joined multiple sites, messaged a ton of people. You have f***ing patience!!!
But really, you don’t need to meet more and more people. You don’t need to go crazy – dating is not actually a numbers game. I mean that seriously – can the person getting the most matches – or even the “best” matches – be declared the winner?
Maybe it’s time to take a step back.
We have been caught in a cycle of online dating crazy. We swipe with abandon, with no control, until our options run out. But the thing with online dating is – your options never run out. So you give people you meet no more than a few seconds of your attention, until you get bored and move on.
I’m not judging. I have been guilty of this behavior. But swiping with abandon only leads to frustration and a sense of futility. You want it to result in a boyfriend/ girlfriend, but it doesn’t. Because you haven’t taken the time to get to really know anyone. You are caught in the cycle of online dating for the sake of online dating – swiping for the sake of swiping. It’s almost addictive. Maybe it is. Just a little.
You have to remember to breathe. Put the phone down. Concentrate on one person at a time. As long as you are multi-tasking your dating life, you will always be focused on your schedule, on the next date, and this prevents the magic from happening in the present moment.
Remember that perfect Saturday afternoon where you didn’t plan anything, but ended up running into a friend and spent the day having beer and pizza by the lake, laughing and getting some sun? It seemed magical and spontaneous, right? That is because you were truly living in the moment. No planning, just being. Magical things happen there – in the present – not in the future.
Chemistry happens with connection. If you are always engaged with the next person, the next swipe, the next date – there is no chance of connection, no chance of chemistry. Because you aren’t present, you aren’t fully engaged. Sometimes chemistry is bubbling under the surface, waiting patiently to be discovered.
Most happy couples I know didn’t fall in love at first sight – it took a few dates and getting past the initial awkward conversation. It took time, something we are not willing to give our dates anymore.
So if you are frustrated with Tinder, with dating in general, take a step back to gain perspective. You don’t want quantity, but that’s what you keep going after. You just want one person. So why not give each and every person you match with your undivided attention – to see if that is indeed your person?
xo,
Kelly
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
Great article. It’s all so true, sometimes you do need to step back. After all, you cant hurry love!