The hardest-learned lesson: that people have only their kind of love to give, not our kind. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic’s Notebook
After watching Sex and the City 2 last week (for all the haters out there, I’m not bashing the movie—I thought it was fun)…the theme seemed to be about building your own unique relationships and making your own rules. I like this idea, because when I start making comparisons to other people or get preconceived ideas about how things should go, I get a little nutty.
We all have expectations when it comes to relationships. If we lived in a perfect world, our significant other would notice when we were sad or hurt without us saying a word, and immediately rush to the rescue and say the right thing. He would just know. He’d remember everything we ever told him that was important or meaningful to us. He’d go out of his way to plan a weekend getaway to exactly the place we’d like to go even though he’s been working 60-hour weeks and has no time. In other words, he would provide for our needs.
Luckily, relationships don’t work that way. There is a thing called give and take. Successful relationships seem to be all about balance and partnership…a trade off of expectations. Because each person in the relationship has his/ her own unique qualities to give, as well as needs.
Which is why I wouldn’t take dating advice from the girls of SATC. Most of the time, they are a bit self-absorbed and neurotic. Sure, many of the men they have dated weren’t exactly five-star, but I hardly buy Mr. Big marrying Carrie and turning into a TCM couch potato. Which is why I liked Aidan. He seemed more real—at least he didn’t wear suits all the time. But I digress—Carrie wanted the intrigue of Big…she preferred him when he was elusive and party-hopping. She expected him to stay this way once they married…but he settled down. He became more like Aidan in a way. Weird.
But as I thought about it, every relationship has its own personality, made up of two unique individuals, and the things that work for one may not work for another. Just like each person is able to give to the relationship in his own way. We can’t change them. And is that such a bad thing?
I’ve always been the person in relationships to wait for my partner to get me. I thought if we were truly compatible, I wouldn’t have to tell him to throw me a party on my birthday or console me and let me vent when I’ve had a rough work day instead of offering advice.
Now I’ve learned that to have the relationship that meets my expectations, I have to communicate what I want, as well as to appreciate what my partner has to give. If his response isn’t exactly what I wanted to hear but comes from a place of love, isn’t this the goal?
Every relationship has its own rules. We go wrong when we start comparing to others…to where we should be, what he should be doing. We appreciate ourselves for the unique beings that we are…can’t we appreciate our relationships for the same reasons?
Do you create your own rules in your relationships? Do you appreciate the differences between you and your boyfriends/ girlfriends?
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
Thought provoking post.
I think whether you’re aware of it or not, we all create our own relationship rules so to speak – as from the moment you meet someone, you are ‘teaching’ them how to treat you (i.e. setting the standards and boundaries for the relationship).
As you pointed out communicating what you want/need to your partner is key and appreciating your relationship for what it is – despite what is going on in your friends’ lives is also important.
As for comparing, I’ll leave you with something a very wise person told me…
Comparing helps NO ONE.
I agree that each relationship is comprised of two individuals and is therefore unique. As the other commenter said, comparing helps no one.
Now that I’ve been married for over 16 years, I definitely feel that we have our own rules that work for us, and while neither of us are perfect, he is the perfect husband for me.
It’s funny the way relationships work, because some couples never decide what their rules will be, and they do fall apart despite getting off to a good start. During our marriage we’ve watched friends who had “perfect” marriages that crumbled, and we’ve watched those that we thought would never last celebrating 20 year anniversaries. it’s definitely about finding what works best in your own situation while keeping in mind that your partner can’t read your mind (which for the most part is a good thing.)
Chica, I agree/disagree and it’s all in love. I think some of the basics have been established for us–and we should follow that love recipe (respect, kindness, anal sex) and then–there are the extra rules/boundaries we do have to create to make that particular relationship work–but SATC has a way of creating little Carri Bradshaws all over the globe and that is dangerous. It’s finding that balance of what works and doesn’t work that can be tricky. Oy! Rock on with your bad self, sister!
Skye – thanks for stopping by! Totally agree that we teach people how to treat us. I don’t think we should settle for disrespect or anything like that, I just feel that some people have unrealistic expectations of how their partner “should” be.
Tina – Well said, considering the Gore split this week. 40 years—who knew?? Anyway, I try not to take cues from celebs..not the healthiest people around.
Nando – yes, little Carrie Bradshaws running around with $300K in credit card debt over shoes isn’t so helpful either… Relationships are such a balance. Boundaries are important to our own emotional well-being, but so are intimacy and connection (and anal sex). I guess balance is built in little ways, day by day.
Those expectations you mention start at such an early age. Our vision of a perfect relationship is formed all throughout our childhood. The media, including movies and TV, don’t help with this, they only depict a reality that’s impossible to achieve.
For me it took a bunch of relationships to figure it out. And now that I’m married, I see I still have a long ways to go.
I’m not good at compromising. Therein lies a big problem
I dunno…even SATC has some lessons to teach, if you are tuned into hearing them. Take the “He’s Just Not That Into You” episode where Burger gave Miranda a valuable epiphany that completely changed the game for her. Revolutionary stuff in this age of instant gratification eDating and empowered women taking charge in relationships.
People think that Facebook and other such free social networking sites pose a real fundamental challenge to the subscription based internet dating sites, but subscriptions have remained very resilient over the last year or so. I think Facebook has become another point of entry to the paid for services. They try out the free application and once they feel surprised by how comfortable they feel, they then upgrade to a better quality paid for service.
Why follow rules, make your own as you going on, it’s what works for you.