I was thinking about gold-diggers the other day. What comes to mind are women who spend their days at the spa and leave child-rearing and careers to nannies and husbands. I have little patience and respect for these women. But is there another form of gold-digging that’s not so obvious?
I know many successful, ambitious women. They love their careers. They make money. However, when it comes to dating, they only want men who make a good living, preferably who make more money than they do. Fair enough I guess. Since they make money, they want their SOs to make money too. But isn’t this a form of financial discrimination? What’s wrong with women being the breadwinners?
If they met a man who was willing to stay at home to take care of children, or who wasn’t so interested in making money and growing his career (since he was quite happy staying a bartender or barista the rest of his life), would they even consider him husband material? My guess is that eventually most would end up resenting him and wishing he’d be more ambitious and successful. No, they would want someone with a real career and prospects and money. There’s a need for financial stability. Maybe status, too.
Or perhaps many women aren’t being honest…and would chuck their careers to stay home and raise a family. They are just looking for a man who can provide as well as they do.
I’ve always worked (at least since high school), so it was hard for me to date someone who wasn’t ambitious. Not that I went out with MoneyBucks McGee, but at least the guys I dated had plans and were working towards building their empires, whether it was becoming a doctor, marketing executive, or producer. They had their sh*t together, and knew what they wanted. I found that sexy.
But was I filtering out the other potentially great guys because of my financial requirements?
It’s a tough question. I always say keep an open mind and date people you wouldn’t normally date. I’m not a hypocrite, but I wouldn’t date a guy who made less than I did. Financial security was always an important requirement for me. So maybe I am a hypocrite.
What are your thoughts? Would you consider a man boyfriend or husband material if he had no career ambition? If he preferred to spend afternoons surfing or gardening, just enjoying his hobbies? If he had no $ or plans to make some?
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
What a timely piece! I was just having this discussion with a male friend who commented that my unwillingness to date someone who is uh…not quite stable in the finances department. I say yes, yes and yes- I would rather date (with the prospect of working towards a relationship) with a man who’s got it together.
I hate hearing the word gold digger, but you’re right, there are certainly women out there, AND men who will seek out only those with dollars and lots of them.
On my level or above. Will I date the wonderfully friendly barber, the skilled mechanic or the organized customer service dude? Maybe. Long-term plans? That depends. Is this guy working the menial jobs and making meager figures but with a plan or currently pursuing an education? As long as I can see his mission, its possible!
I’m with you. Mission is key. For some reason, it’s more attractive. I’m not into just kind of hanging out and watching life. I’m not sure if that’s a good or bad thing.
I used to live in Austin, which my friend called “The Velvet Coffin” because you wake up one morning, you’re 50, and you think…what have I done with my life besides hang out? It’s just that kind of town. Anyway, I don’t think we’re gold-diggers for wanting more, but I do think I didn’t give some guys a real chance because of it.
I’ve wondered this as well. Dating and money issues seem to be a very fine line! You want to be successful, have some sort of drive and ambition, goals, etc, but you can’t be TOO driven, goal-oriented, focused, etc or you appear narrow-minded. Have you ever seen the Millionaire Matchmaker? I’m pretty sure that show epitomizes what you’re posting about. More often than not the men don’t care how much their date makes but the women demand some sort of equality – if not in financial means at least in ambition.
For me, it’s less about the actual career ambition and professional trajectory. I think that his attitude toward his professional life is indicative of certain desirable or undesirable characteristics of his general personality. Someone who is indifferent or nonchalant about his life is hardly someone that I, personally, would get along with, let alone be keen to date. But someone who is driven and hungry, it bespeaks a certain passion for what he does, and that is attractive because it shows that he CARES about things and is willing to work hard for them. That’s something that I respect and admire; it keeps me on my toes and motivates ME to be better as well. And ultimately, that is what I’m looking for. Slackers need not apply.
Helene, thanks for sharing! I do agree about the whole slacker thing—I lived In Austin, where this was somewhat a badge of honor. These men weren’t for me.
However, I have to wonder about guys who are very happy doing what they do… delivering mail, bartending, whatever. They have interests outside their actual jobs… things they do that make them happy people, but don’t necessarily make them ambitious or motivated. It’s nice to be around happy people. But because happy slackers don’t have ambition, it was a complete turn-off for me. I think it is for most women. I guess my real question is…are we limiting our choices by being set against men who are happy, but not ambitious? Is one better than the other? Or do we assume that a man isn’t happy if he isn’t motivated career-wise?
I agree with D. Brent Ruyter. Women expect men to meet and/or exceed their own financial and economic status, which is a reflection of ambition. That seems hypocritical to me. Wouldn’t the women who date/marry men of greater economic and academic means be considered “unambitious slackers” by their own definition? After all, they would be earning less than their partner.
We are experiencing the nasty effects of feminism. Women gained economic equality, but still expect traditional gender roles in the breadwinner department. For women, marrying up isn’t socially constructed, it’s in their blood. This is becoming more evident everyday.
Women now comprise over 60% of college degrees, so it’s asinine to expect there will be an equal number of educated men on the market. Sadly, some women often use shaming language and blame men for not matching them in college. It’s funny; when a women had fewer degrees than men, it was blamed on men. When men had fewer degrees than women, it was also blamed on men. What a crock. Looks like men are to blame for everything.
Men have been marrying down for a long time. Why are women having trouble doing the same? Why must a man meet or exceed your finances when you aren’t willing to do the same?
Kelly, I’m curious as to what you do for a living? You stated that the guys you dated had plans and were working towards building their empires, whether it was becoming a doctor, marketing executive, or producer. Do you earn as much as a doctor, marketing executive or producer? If not, then yes, you are a hypocrite.
Equality or special treatment; pick one. If women want men to be the breadwinners, then it should be fair for men to expect women to remain in the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant. Fair is fair.
Hi Kelly,
If women expect men to make more than them, then it’s okay for men to expect women to make less than them, right? If you agree with that last statement, you are not a hypocrite; otherwise, you most certainly are.
Women feel pressured to look pretty, because that’s what men want. Likewise, men feel pressured to be high-rollers, even if it stresses them out, because that’s what women want.
Personally, I prefer equality, but that’s just me. I know most people are somewhat shallow.
What if the guy doesn’t like working because they have mines of gold? How come MOST women still like this person? I thought its just a fact of the guy having some sort of ambition? Yeah right!
Deny it or not (some) women prioritize money (period). It’s not about having high-paying job, ambition etc…They want to make sure that they have someone to actually help them to fulfill their ambition.
I love dating a woman with my stupid old clothes, telling her that I’m a company messenger, maintenance guy and no savings. My best is for the one who accept my worse and gold-diggers are not welcome.
If women requires men to be financially stable then I think its fair if men find someone who’s not a parasite. Ouch! that’s harsh. Oh yeah, but most women never realize that they are insulting men with their so-called requirements.
This is what happen if requirements comes first before Love. Money is a tool for living not a requirement to Love someone.
i totally agree with you gene. money should not matter when you want true love. unfortunately a guy like me who is broke and unemployed gets treated like shit by asshole women who judge me by my money and my unemployment status.
i dont buy into this financial security crap. women who want financially security are basically saying i wont date a guy who doesnt have enough money to please me which is the same thing as being a gold digger. lets say a woman finds a guy who provides financial security and then he loses all his money. what happens then. the woman will be out the door in a heartbeat.
Kelly,
I think Mark says it all in a nutshell! I’m not sure in the U.S. but in the U.K., the bride and groom make a pledge and say they will love each other, amongst other things, “…for richer for poorer…”. If the man has to “flash the cash” from the outset before his bride makes her pledge to love him “…for richer for poorer…”, does that then become a hypocritical pledge on her part? I think so. Yes, quite the point, Mark; PICK ONE! I’m divorced, and that’s all over now, except the financial part which is still tied up in the house that my ex-wife still lives in. I live for my means to which I am content; financially, I am reasonably and non-greedily stable because I make it that way. I work for a living as an enjoyable CAD Technician (not that that should make any difference one way or the other!) but I DON’T have the ready cash, that instant gratification, for financial security that women want as a contribution towards the “bricks and mortar”. So, am I a catch or a throw-away?
I look for the woman who will love me and my character and not my money, because in reality, money is in finite £s or $s, unconditional love is priceless!!!!!!!!
Marriage is a CROCK these days. People get divorced ~50% of the time. So much for honesty in the vowes. And how many spouses cheat, not even counting divorces?
Actual, true love is extremely rare and is hard to come by, friends and life partners….I haven’t seen much of that with my own self, or my parents. It’s kind of sad actually, my morals and core beliefs are much different than my peers…I’m a white male and will be 23 in a month but I feel as if I think alot older than my age.
Men and women look for very different things in a relationship. If a man had a nice looking wife who was very sexual, but didn’t work outside the home or do much inside either, he’d keep her. If a women had a man who wanted lot of sex, but didn’t have a job or do much at home, his butt would be out the door in a hurry. Women are looking for security in a relationship, which ultimately is tied to income.
I have a decent paying job, but am also self-employed, where I make oodles of money. I own my home, cars and have no credit whatsoever. However, I live modestly and don’t tell my dating partners anything about my financial status. I fish out those that put money above love very quickly. I date frequently and sadly, I’d say at least 80% are looking for security above all else.
This is a funny question bcuease we are all somewhat crazy in our own way. I don’t really think you can pin point a crazy girl from the beginning unless however, you watch Isla Fisher in Wedding Crashers lol she is most defenetely crazy. in reality though, I think you just need to go with your instincts and listen what your heart tells you. If you feel something is not quite right with her or she strikes you as a bit different, then she may most likely have some underlyging issues. From my own personal experience, I have noticed that pathelogical liars are the craziest ones!!
The bottom line is women want security and money 80% of the time. Men want physical chemistry and sex.
Women are not looking for good conversation or a kind heart they are looking for money.
Women by nature are the nurturers, Men by nature are the providers and protectors, funny how in the times now, you see a lot of Men becoming feminine like Women and Women becoming Masculine like Men. That is not by accident, that is by mental design. 15- 25 years by now, you wont be able to tell the difference whether it is a Man or Woman from a distance. Back to front society we are creating by buying into being a Independant woman and praising certain things, Lol, its seems all good for a while being a Independant Woman but when the shiznick hits the fan, that Independant Woman is more likely to find herself without anybody really in the long run and will have an Animal as companionship Lol, I see this all the time with a I.W the man leaves her to do everything, why? because she thinks she is the man. A Woman that does it all from the get go breaks her body down quickly and wrinkles much faster. Yes females want financial security, food in the fridge, bills paid, nice home, extra cash left over for unexpected things and not to mention we need to feel and look nice for ourselves and for the man, so she wants to know that the financial side of things are being taken care of. Truth of the matter is, if you access more feminine traits than masculine and you possess good morals, more often than not you will automatically attract a man that will want to provide and protector because you also provide and protect him in your own female way!!..
Not every man is capable of of being the provider/primary breadwinner. There’s men like myself who are on Social Security Disability with a very limited income. Women should like men for who they are, not what they have or don’t have. Same goes for men to women. I personally don’t believe in gender roles nor do i let society validate the way i think. Most of you women wouldn’t think twice about dating a twenty-something disabled guy regardless of how well he treats you, how affectionate he is, etc. 90% of women are financially discriminating and sexist towards men in this matter.
I cannot help wondering if John weeds out women based on looks. And if he would go with someone overweight.
Now personally i think health and eating Habits are important but so is stability.
There is nOthing wrong with women lOoking for someone staBle. Families are expensive how are you going to aFford One. Its practical.
Now of course if women will only date someone who makes a huge amount of money we have a probleM.
And i Would Expect some guy to judge me if i could not hold down a joB.