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I was reading about the “Oscar curse” in an article last month, before the actual awards show. There was a list of female Oscar winners, Halle Berry and Reese Witherspoon among them, who’d been dumped by their partners soon after getting the award. The author wondered whether there was a correlation.
Now, Kate Winslet and Sandra Bullock are faced with cheating husbands. I don’t tend to read about celebrities in general (mostly because I used to be a publicist and HAD to for a living), but this made me kind of sad. I like these actresses. They are successful, good at what they do, and they just seem so…well, nice. What were their partners thinking?
Then it got me wondering…are men somehow turned off by the success of a woman? Or do successful women tend to attract men who want more for themselves? Do men who partner with successful women feel like second class citizens, needing more attention, accolades, or money? Jesse James and Sam Mendes are both very successful in their careers, so did having affairs give them a sense of power or entitlement that they didn’t feel at home?
Or maybe, like Tiger Woods, an opportunity presented itself and they couldn’t just say no.
Ok, maybe it’s wrong to study celebrities as an example…they hardly have good track records for staying together. But I think there is something to be said for the dynamics of career success in a relationship, namely, the perceived success of one partner over another. It takes a strong person to live under someone else’s limelight. It takes a stronger person to admit he/she feels jealous or somehow “less” in the relationship, and to try and work things out.
So what’s the answer? People shouldn’t apologize for their own success or try to underplay it in some way to make a partner feel better. At the same time, career success isn’t the way to define your worth in a relationship. If it was, then what would happen when you have a career setback?
I’d like to know from you lovely people reading my blog post (and I THANK you for stopping by)…Have you dated someone who was more successful than you? Did you ever feel “less than”? How did you handle yourself in this situation?
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
How about John Edward, his wife isn’t successful and Tiger wood, I think something is wrong with men now a days.
One more President Clinton, before Hillary become senator and successful, he cheat also.
Thanks Jane—good point about the successful men who cheat. Although john Edwards’ wife is now making some money off of her book. Same thing with the governor of SC Mark Sanford…his wife is on a book tour. I guess they feel entitled to make money off of it?
I guess it depends how each individual defines success. And people in Hollywood who date other people in Hollywood probably define success similarly, so they are obviously competing on some level with each other. I don’t think there’s room in a healthy relationship for competition. I think it’s OK to push each other to achieve, but not direct competition unless it’s for fun like sports or games, etc.
I’ve dated women who’ve made more money than me, but I never cared. As long as I pulled my weight, and I always did, it didn’t bother me because I don’t define success that way. But as a musician it might have been hard to date another musician, who played the same instrument as me and was way better, or doing cooler projects, etc. That might be tougher, but I’d probably still be able to deal. But that feeling of competition is probably what these Hollywood people are feeling a lot of the time. Of course they are so egocentric anyway, that they’re probably not the best group to poll.
This was an interesting topic to ponder.
I believe it is a man/woman thing. In general, I don’t believe women mind if their man is more successful, in fact it is more to be expected, or was years ago.
Times of transition can be hard – eg moving to a new city, starting a family, where roles change and perhaps the man stays at home for a while. Often I have seen this work, for set periods of time and not too long.
Although the woman being more successful than her man in an ongoing way, especially if the man has undergone a career change and so earns less money for an extended period of time, and is unable to pull his weight financially, often leads to the demise of the relationship.
Men need to be the breadwinner. When we take that away from them, they lose part of their manhood. Saying that, sometimes when a man’s confidence is down and you continue to encourage him and yet there is no end in sight (and if there is no formal commitment between you) … you may want to consider moving on. Once he is back on his feet and if he happens to pursue you, and you are still available and interested – then great. If not, he has done it on his own, so has gained his manhood back, and you have already moved on – win-win all around.
Previous commenter makes sense. When the man and woman are in the same “field,” competition is more apparent. And competition can get in the way of love.
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