A reader recently shared her conflicted feelings about dating an older man:
I’ve been dating a guy that is 20 years older than me. I’m 28. I never saw myself being with someone so much older but since I’ve met him, I’ve never been happier. Older men are not always looking for a younger women because of her looks. They aren’t always controlling or want to treat you like a kid. At least this one doesn’t. He genuinely respects me, treats me like his partner, and listens to me. We really enjoy each other’s company and gradually, I find myself wanting to be with him long term. Although he looks great for his age, I have so much fear about his health 20 years from now. I watched my mom, grandmother, and aunt lose their husbands and so I have this phobia of losing my husband too. I really don’t know how to get past this.
I have mixed emotions about this subject too, mostly because we share similar stories. My Dad was 51 when I was born, and he died when I was 22. I’m ashamed to admit I was angry that he was an older father, especially when he got sick. While my college friends were off to clubs and bars on weekends, I was visiting my Dad in the hospital and watching him slip away. In my young mind, he was abandoning me, my brother, and most importantly my mother. I told myself I would never marry an older man. There was too much risk involved.
My father didn’t really get to see me as an adult, and I often wonder what kind of advice he’d give me now. Especially because I married a man who is older by almost fifteen years. I never pictured this for myself. In fact, I made it a point to only date men my age or maybe a couple of years older. But then, I met my husband and suddenly the limitations I’d placed on previous dates seemed pointless with him. I knew he was right for me, so I went for it.
But this doesn’t mean my fears went away. My husband is in good health, but I have to wonder…I lost my Dad early, and it’s quite likely I’ll outlive my husband, maybe by a lot. Am I willing to risk it? I guess the answer is obvious because I married him. I’d rather have a life with him that might not be as I’d planned than have a life without him and wonder what could have been.
We all have fears about relationships. Anything can happen. While I like to think that my relationship will continue along its blissful path, I know that the reality is, life is sometimes, ok…often, hard. We are at risk of being alone again at any given moment. However, if we live our lives and base our decisions in fear, this doesn’t protect us. Quite the opposite. It causes us more grief and isolation. Less happiness.
I don’t know this reader’s boyfriend or their relationship, but I do know that love and life are about taking risks. If you feel good being with someone, and it feels right, you owe it to yourself to take that emotional leap. Not to sound like a cheesy self-help guide, but isn’t being happy in the present more important than concentrating on a future of what-ifs? We have no control over what might happen, but we have 100% control over how we feel right here, right now.
So, I say go with your gut. if it’s telling you this guy is the real thing, take a chance. Besides, 48 isn’t old. Now, 80…
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
My partner is 31 years older than me, that’s a life time, and still I am deeply in love of him for who he is right now. We have gone through very very rocky moments but we believe in the relationship and we have been together for a while already. Of course age matters, the life plan is totally different, but I have chose to embrace our love rather than have a check list of how my life is suppose to be 😉
Amen cintia! There are risks with any relationship but we can’t live our lives only thinking of those risks.
I have been with a older man for 7 years. I am almost 50 and he is 68. There are a lot of pros and cons. The pros are mentioned in many comments I have read….the cons….alone alot. In fact he is sleeping as I type and it is 2:40 on A Sunday and I would love to do just a little something:( To further, I am saddened (haunted) by the fact he could go sooner than me….but who knows!?!
Hi Dawna,
Yes, I know how that feels. I try to remind myself that anyone can go at any time, so it’s pointless to waste time worrying about what will happen, etc. It’s better to enjoy what you have right now. We can’t predict the future, no matter who we’re with. It’s scary, but I’d rather be happy now than full of regret and wondering what if.
To me every time a woman dates an older man, it perpetuates this sense of wide open freedom that men get to enjoy well into their golden years while older women end up being alone or worrying about being alone. It seems so unfair that men are so valued by our society that we don’t even blink at the idea of some poor young woman being with some crusty old guy (and his old balls) while he gets to enjoy her relatively hot and tight body. It’s not fair. On top of that, men die earlier than women which means that just dating a man your own age means that you’ll probably spend a good 10 years alone after you’ve spent the five or ten years before that feeding him and changing his diapers. F#&k that! Why is a man’s time treated as so much more valuable? I’d rather be single than be some old guy’s prize. Date women your own age.