This post was inspired by a recent article in eHarmony Advice by Dr. Seth Meyers, specifically his advice to singles who are thinking about dating someone with kids. Now, I’m a fan of his advice and he has a lot of great things to say. But I have to admit, reading this article was upsetting to me as a stepmom of almost six years, for many reasons.
Dating someone with kids is hard. I’m not gonna lie. Because in essence, you are not only dating your love interest, you are courting the kids and trying to not make waves with the ex, who let’s face it – is not going to be your biggest fan. So, it’s a tricky situation to begin with. But from the advice Dr. Meyers was giving, we should all basically give up dating someone with kids unless we have incredibly nurturing and loving personalities, we have children or at least crave having children, and we are passive people who would rather not interfere with any established family dynamics (even the dysfunctional ones) because we don’t want to make waves. In other words, put up and shut up. At least, this is how I read it.
If this is how you approach dating someone with kids, you are in for a really tough time.
Dr. Meyers forgot the most important part: dating someone with kids is first of all about dating your love interest, your partner. You have to see if you two are a fit before you try and fit into any family dynamic. Because honestly, speaking on behalf of the many steps I know, the union between the two of you comes first. It is the glue that will hold the familial relationship together, whether you like to believe it or not. Because you will have challenges with blending your families. His/ her children are not obligated in any way to love you or treat you kindly, so no matter how nurturing and loving you may be, you can’t expect it in return. Your partner plays a huge role in making sure you are heard and respected. (If you don’t have your partner’s support, it makes everything else so much harder.)
So while it would be ideal to enter into a relationship that includes kids seamlessly as Dr. Meyers suggests – as though your personality should be suited to step into a parental role (but remembering you’re not the parent!), ready to compromise and sacrifice (but you’re not expecting anything!), taking the complaints and arguments on the chin, putting yourself last, and making everyone else happy at the expense of your own happiness – this won’t work.
Let me repeat: trying to make everyone else happy won’t work.
Here’s what I know about people who decide to be steps: they are self-sacrificing, loving, kind and generous people by nature. Otherwise they wouldn’t do it. And by “it” I mean taking care of someone else’s kids on a regular basis – making their lunches, helping with homework, driving to school and activities, soothing cuts and scrapes and emotional heartaches and other various parental tasks – with no acknowledgement in return (except hopefully by your partner).
So it’s a little frustrating to be told by someone who isn’t a step that you should be or act a certain way, that you should be or want to be a parent, that you shouldn’t be a Type-A personality, that you should be the non-confrontational type, that you should or shouldn’t anything. It’s misguided.
Instead of thinking about how to best fit yourself into the family puzzle without ruffling any feathers – we should all instead be asking, how can I approach the challenges of this situation with more understanding and compassion? How can I be more honest and expressive with my SO and his/ her kids? How can I better take care of myself?
Because a relationship’s success is not always based on how much you (the step) compromises or makes sacrifices, how much you put your square self in the clearly round hole of established family dynamic. It’s about everyone learning to adjust, to compromise, to grow. People come in all personality types, and while some may seem more “suited” for stepfamily life, it’s a myth. We can all learn how to relate to each other in more constructive, healthier ways regardless of our personalities or perceived weaknesses.
Isn’t that what all relationships are about? How we can better understand and relate to each other no matter our roles, our personalities, or our personal challenges?
We must evolve from looking at steps as intruders, or as outsiders who must find a way to fit in to an established dynamic. Just like our new relationships change us, we also change them, hopefully for the better.
There are a ton of steps in the world, and we’re only growing as a population. If you have an “evil” stepmother or stepfather, there is a chance you will become a step yourself – so perhaps you can think about how to make peace with your own so you can move forward with more understanding and openness. Maybe she’s not as evil as you think. Maybe she just didn’t know what she was doing, or her personality wasn’t a good fit with you. That doesn’t make her a bad person.
All I’m saying is, we all deserve understanding. And that begins with practicing more compassion – towards ourselves and others.
XO,
Kelly
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
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