I have a friend who’s recently started online dating. He’s been divorced for a while and has had a couple of relationships since that went south, and according to him, he’d like to find a girlfriend. One with long-term relationship potential.
He started dating a girl he met online, and they slept together after date three. He liked her—according to him, she was quiet, somewhat reserved, and seemed to be an ordinary nice woman.
Last week, she called him, leaving a voicemail to see when they could get together again. He emailed her back to let her know he was out of town until later this week and would be in touch then. He didn’t think much about it, as he liked her and thought he’d see where things would go. He didn’t know if she was girlfriend material, but wanted to give things a chance. He received this response:
Oh Sir,
Bad form. I call, you email. I expect more than that.
I’m going to be real for a minute. While you should know that I am a very good, sweet, spiritual person, I am as complicated as they come. I enjoy and celebrate my strangeness but some people don’t care for it.
So here’s the deal. I am very sexual. I don’t subscribe to society’s ideas of what sex or relationships look like. I have varying degrees of boyfriends/lovers and I appreciate and respect them all. I also expect that they are all absolute gentleman and are respectful of me…
I really enjoy life, I really enjoy sex. I also really enjoy games but I let everyone know the rules.
So some rules if you want to play again…
Boys should call girls the day after they first have sex. Its respectful.
If a girl calls a boy he should return the call even if its a rejection or the like. The same is true for girls of course.
If I’m on a date I want to be kissed and touched. Otherwise I will hang out with my friends.
Now, I’ve played very nice. If we are going to play games, lets play the ones that we both like.
I usually would defend a girl who didn’t receive a call back from a guy. But I’ve been hearing more reports lately that are similar to this, and it makes us women sound crazy. Are single women just becoming more self-absorbed and jaded? Do they assume the worst in people? Are more and more concerned only with their own needs when it comes to having a relationship?
I hate the fact that many guys will get phone numbers and just don’t call a girl back. I also hate that after a few dates, some guys tend to just disappear, without a text or call. Or that they go online pretending to be single when they have a wife and kids at home. All of these things continue to happen, and I don’t see behavior improving. (I was really saddened to read the latest dating saga from Tales from an Internet dater.) When people misrepresent themselves and you think they are someone else (a nice person, etc.)…this does nobody any good.
I think that if my friend’s online date really felt this way, she should have been straight with him from the beginning, instead of sending this passive-aggressive email. This just perpetuates the cycle of lying and game-playing in the dating world, especially when it comes to online dating (although she seems to like her particular set of rules). It confuses an already murky situation.
I know that with online dating, you never know who you’re meeting and you have to take chances. Better he found out about this girl’s expectations now rather than later, I guess.
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
Sounds like the very definition of passive-aggressive. I hope your friend feels okay.
Eeew. Reading that email made me ill. Yeah, there are a lot of ill-behaved guys out there. And it gets tiresome. So if you don’t like the way a guy treats you you walk away or tell him in a sane manner.
I’m guessing this chick doesn’t do many things in a sane manner.