A friend of mine recently reached out to me about another friend – let’s call him Jake. Jake had fallen for a woman he met online, who seemed perfect for him. She was smart, pretty, funny, kind – they had amazing chemistry. There was just one problem: her dating deal-breaker. Money. $$. The root of all craziness IMHO.
She wanted to be taken care of, as in: her husband-to-be would cover rent, food, car, clothing, EVERYTHING. She would be responsible for exactly 0% financial contribution in their relationship. FOREVER. Obviously, the guy felt weird. Who wouldn’t? She was basically saying to him: “I’m a child who needs to be taken care of.” Sexy, right? Guys – aren’t you falling all over yourselves trying to compete with Jake for such a prize?
Sigh. I get really annoyed with people who have such all-or-nothing deal-breakers. No room for compromise. They aren’t even willing to discuss a compromise. “Take me as I am,” they say, daring the love in their lives to “man up” and give them what they want.
I wrote about dating deal-breakers in my latest post for Digital Romance.
I think it’s good to have your list of must-haves and those “no-way-in-hell”-s when it comes to dating and relationships. But when your deal-breaker isn’t based in reality, or when you wouldn’t take the same deal-breaker and apply it to yourself, then how could you ask it of someone else?
Seriously? How?
Money is such a charged subject in dating, in relationships, in marriage. It is a source of power, of control. It damages even the most loving of people.
Maybe this woman had a boyfriend who stole from her. Maybe she grew up in poverty and never wants that again. Or maybe she has decided that she never wants to work once she gets hitched. Who knows?
The point is, she’s letting her fear take over.
She’s letting a good man who loves her go because she’s too afraid to have a conversation about her deal-breaker. She’s too afraid to let go of her beliefs about money and her vision of the future.
We can’t control our lives in this way – who’s to say her husband might get sick or injure himself, and therefore won’t be able to support her? Who’s to say they won’t get divorced, and then she’ll have to get herself a job?
My point is, shit happens. Are your deal-breakers just about what you want, or are they mutually beneficial to the relationship? For example, wanting your man to take care of you vs. wanting mutual respect.
Consider your deal-breakers, and what they really mean to the long-term care of your relationship. You deserve love, and so does your partner.
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
Such good points! What drives me crazy is when people don’t even know what their deal breakers are until they start dating. If you don’t want to date someone who smokes, don’t message him, if you don’t want to date someone with kids, don’t go out with someone who does even if he’s super sexy. Know what you want BEFORE you start dating, so you don’t waste yours or someone else’s time. It really is OKAY to have deal breakers!
Good topic. It’s hard to even know what our deal-breakers are until we encounter them in a person we date. One guy I dated occasionally used cocaine, and deciding whether that was a deal-breaker or not was difficult for me. Even though I dislike it, if someone is only using once or twice per year, then maybe it’s selfish or frivolous to dump them for that. I’m really not sure… I never had to decide because he soon dumped me over his own deal-breaker, but if I encounter this situation again, I’m not sure what I’ll do.
Thanks for your comments Meena and AV! I think people have too many deal-breakers, and they don’t give people a real chance. My husband had 2 of my “deal-breakers” (kids and age) and well…let’s just say I overlooked them. 🙂
AV – the drug thing is a real issue. I think guys who are self-destructive aren’t good BF material. If he’s a drug user (and was it really only twice a year, and only cocaine?) – there might be a more serious problem or dependence.
For me, it’s someone who has time for everything, but doesn’t have time for you. We forget how what we pay attention to/focus our time on is direct reflection of our true wants.
Actions speak louder than words and all that.