I was having a conversation with a friend earlier this week. She’s a confident woman who speaks her mind, and is always dating somebody. In fact, right now she happens to be dating a few people. But she’s a little freaked out about it.
Her: “I have to choose, right? I can’t just keep dating all of them.”
Me: “Umm, actually no. You can keep dating all of them.”
Her: “But I want a relationship and I don’t know which man is right.”
Me: “Exactly. Which is why you just keep dating them. You’ll find out in time.”
Her: “But isn’t there a time limit? I mean, it’s been a couple of months.”
Me: “Nope. Not until you or one of them wants to be exclusive. Then you have to talk about what you both want.”
Her: “Have the conversation, you mean.”
Me: “No, just talk about what both of you want at this time. Why are you putting all this pressure on yourself? You don’t have to be exclusive if you don’t want to.”
Her: (silence) “Shouldn’t I make up my mind?”
Me: “Do you know what you want?”
Her: “No.”
Me: “Then what are you deciding?”
Anyway, we kind of went in circles, because there seems to be this expectation that either you’re playing around or you’re in a committed relationship. There’s no middle. When really, dating is a process. This means it takes time. You reveal yourself in stages, so exclusivity too soon might mean you’re surprised later. It takes many dates, in fact, to figure out that you want exclusivity, and what a relationship looks like to you. (And despite what The Bachelor has taught us, not every exclusive relationship ends up with him putting a ring on it.)
I love Professor Kerry Cronin who talks to college students about dating. Instead of being fearful that dating is such a commitment because it leads to relationships, she advocates looking at it as a process—“gathering information” is all you’re doing for the first several dates. And it takes a long time to get to that exclusive part, if you even get there.
Anyway, there’s no reason to feel like you’re a player if you’re dating more than one person. Everyone is entitled until you have commitment, until you are both ready to have that conversation. And there’s no need to rush to get there.
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
I think its reasonable to date more than one person at once as long as everyone is honest about what is going on!
You are right dating is a process of evaluation, and by dating several men all at once your friend is constantly weighing up the pro’s and con’s of each person. After a couple months of dating, I am not sure your friend wants to commit to any of them. Also she does not mention what their thoughts are on going exclusive. I would have thought that the subject would have come up by now.
Evie – agreed!
Diane – the subject hasn’t really come up, I think probably because they are all in process of figuring out exactly what they want, and if they want a relationship at all (esp. my friend). I think some people distance themselves because they are afraid of committing and then getting hurt, so they kind of endlessly date. But I do think too many people also jump in too quickly because they are afraid of being alone, and then find themselves restless and searching. There is a happy medium.
And thanks you two for stopping by and commenting—much appreciated!
When you date someone for a couple of months, there is sex involved. At most, it takes a month or so but usually within weeks. So if your friend is dating someone for months then she is sleeping with them. (Don’t believe her if she says she isn’t).
And she is doing this with multiple guys? Call me sexist, but a woman who is sleeping with multiple guys is a little ho. No guy will date a girl for months and not have sex with her. So if she is doing that with 2 or 3 guys then there is no denying the fact she is loosey goosey.
Sorry, but your friend isn’t relationship material. No guy will respect a woman who is sleeping with other guys while he is courting her. Doesn’t mean they don’t enjoy her company. But I will bet big money they don’t see her as LTR material.