I’ve been thinking about gratitude a lot lately, wondering how to cultivate it when things might be difficult or challenging. Here’s the thing: we all know intellectually that we can (and should) be grateful for blessings in life – a roof over our heads, food on the table, etc. We can list them off and give plenty of thanks. But what about that gnawing sense that something is just….missing, unjust, or wrong? What do you do when that feeling keeps creeping up? How can we change our thinking from what is lacking to what is HERE, NOW?
I struggle with cultivating gratitude, especially lately as I read the news, scroll Twitter, and watch people sink to name-calling…to NOT “going high when they go low.”
I was listening to the excellent podcast “With Friends Like These” by journalist Ana Marie Cox as I was driving home from San Diego. It was a thought-provoking and emotional talk, and TBH, while driving long distance by myself late at night, it hit me kind of hard. (Luckily, I had chocolate on hand.)
Ana was interviewing author Diana Butler Bass on her new book Grateful: The Transformative Power of Giving Thanks. As Bass explained it, she wanted to take a deep dive into the practice of gratitude – not the religious idea of it, or even the yoga/ meditation version of it – but what a challenge it is to actually cultivate it in your life.
As her website says:
“There is a gap between our desire to be grateful and our ability to live gratefully.”
One fun fact Bass discovered while researching the book, which she wrote the year Trump took office and our nation had become so divisive: two separate opinion polls in November 2015 found that although 78% of Americans felt grateful for something each week, the Americans who went to the polls in 2016 were more fearful and anxious than ever before. This informed how Diana wrote her book. She felt she needed to do “a gratitude intervention on our social and political life.”
Here’s the main point of her research: living gratefully is non-transactional.
In other words, give thanks for the sake of giving thanks, not because you expect something from it, be it a positive outcome, love from someone, or accolades. Too many of us are hung up on getting something back when we give our time, effort and sweat equity. We have to let go of this idea and just give. That’s challenging on a daily basis.
Cultivating gratitude is simply being thankful, giving thanks, with no strings attached.
Being grateful is really taking action, too. If you tend toward depression, or find yourself challenged by difficult emotions, reach out to someone else who needs help, in the form of community service, neighborly kindness, or what strikes you in the moment. For example, buy a coffee for the anxious guy standing in line behind you. Help an elderly woman with her groceries. Reach out to volunteer at a homeless shelter. There are many ways to be of service, to get outside of yourself. This immediately changes your thinking, switches your focus from what’s missing in your life to what another person needs – and what we are able to give. Giving as a form of gratitude is an empowering way to live life.
Let’s talk about gratitude and dating.
If you’re currently single and frustrated with dating, cultivating more gratitude can definitely turn things around. When your energy shifts to a more positive framework, you attract more people to you. If you’re serious about changing your luck with meeting people, consider sitting for five minutes every day before your next date and listing all of the things you are grateful for, no matter how insignificant. Yes, you can thank the Universe for that hot bath you took the night before, or the delicious bowl of ramen you just ate! Or if it works better for you: do something kind for a work colleague or friend, without expecting anything in return.
Consider writing down all of the things you’re grateful for. It helps to go back and remind yourself that life is full of joyful experiences, of loving people around us. We can sometimes forget when a negative experience sucks our energy.
This is a practice, not a one-off exercise. There will be days when it’s hard to come up with anything to be grateful for, and that’s when we have to push ourselves, get outside of ourselves, to see things differently.
XO,
Kelly
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
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