Let’s talk about a subject that stirs our collective emotional soul (especially after this past Saturday night): cheating.
You might have heard that Beyonce dropped a new album and an HBO special called Lemonade that dealt with the heavy topic of cheating. As the Twitterverse took to dissecting her personal life and who Jay Z might have been cheating on her with, the music and imagery itself told a deeper, more introspective story. In fact, take a look at this article from The Guardian that spelled it out pretty nicely.
Have you ever been cheated on? Or have you been the cheater? There are no simple answers when two people in a committed relationship deal with one who strays.
It’s too simple to assume that if one person cheats, the other should just leave. What if you have children, a home together, lives that are entangled? It’s not so easy to walk away in this situation. And if you are racked with guilt over your infidelity, you want your partner to at least consider giving you another chance.
The real question is, now that you know, how do you deal with the aftermath?
There are no simple answers. Mostly, it’s a process of forgiveness and accountability.
If you cheated, consider:
Why did you cheat? What led to that moment where you decided to transgress?
What are you not getting from your partner? What are you not giving?
Did you confess, or did your partner find out? Would you have cheated if you knew you would be caught?
Do you accept full responsibility for your actions, your choice?
Have you made changes to your life to ensure it won’t happen again? (For example, if you cheated with a co-worker, did you leave your job or position?)
If you were cheated on, consider:
Do you want to stay with your partner?
What was going on in your relationship? Did you ever feel disconnected?
Are you willing to get to a place where you trust your partner again? Can you be vulnerable and honest with them again?
Can you forgive? Can you see rebuilding a life together?
Are there others involved in the consequences of your choices – like children?
Not every couple will have the same response to cheating.
Despite the outrage on Twitter about Beyonce’s marriage, there’s no room for judgment here – of yourself or any other couple. (And a side note – why is it that everyone is going after Rachel Roy for being the other woman, but we are silent when it comes to Jay Z? I think this confirms our Madonna/whore complex, but that’s another topic…)
It’s important to really take a look inside your relationship and ask yourself what you are willing to handle, to let go of, to change. We’re not all in the same place. We’re not all capable of letting go, or forgiving, or rebuilding a relationship. Some of us would be happier to break up and move on – to start over with someone new. Others feel strongly about holding on and doing everything they can to rebuild trust. Most are somewhere in the middle, desperate for answers or a quick fix.
There are no quick fixes when it comes to cheating, or to relationships in general. Our partners can be our greatest sense of joy, but they can also be our greatest source of pain. But on a deeper level, we are our own worst enemies and best friends too. We are responsible for our own happiness, choices, and journey. Nobody else can walk in our shoes, or provide the answers for us. It’s not up to us to judge or punish or blame – even ourselves. How we handle ourselves in life – every difficult, angst-filled moment, is up to each of us.
I think that’s what Beyonce considered in her powerful album. Cheating is devastating and can rip you to your core. You might not even know who you are anymore, or who your partner is. You will question everything in your past, in your relationship, what your life will look like going forward.
But ultimately how you deal with cheating, with your partner, is your own personal journey.
It’s less about whether to stay or go. You’re not weak if you stay. You’re not a hero if you go. The real question is – who do you want to be going forward?
You can be redeemed or you can be a victim. You can blame others or you can take responsibility. You can remain bitter or you can transcend your pain.
You can choose to let the pain or shame consume you, or choose to let it make you stronger.
XO,
Kelly
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
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