Yesterday, I was at a party and talking to a hot British guy who’d moved to L.A. five years ago. (Hey, I’m know I’m married but I can still appreciate a nice looking guy.) Anyway, we got to talking about his social life after I mentioned that I write about dating. He had a lot to say about the women of L.A.: namely, that they were flaky, shallow, and always looking for someone else…someone better.
The thing is, he’s right. Many L.A. men and women are a bit flaky (they keep their schedules overbooked but undercommitted as something more interesting might come along), and they are usually looking for the next better boyfriend/girlfriend/hook-up. They are looking for how people are connected, especially if they are struggling actors/ writers/ producers/ etc. who could use some help with their careers. The cliches ring true. I could sympathize.
But one thing struck me about his perspective…it was focused. As it turns out, one woman in particular that he’d fallen for and dated for several months ended up breaking up with him via silence. His calls and texts went unanswered. He wondered what had happened to her. As it turned out, she’d gotten back together with an ex boyfriend and didn’t really clue him in. She’d left him in the worst way: he felt cheated and disappointed…he’d considered their relationship exclusive and she’d been seeing her ex and not mentioning it. Then she disappeared. From this one experience (plus a few bad dates I’m sure–when I asked if he was seeing someone he replied, “I don’t know, I guess as much as anyone dates somebody in L.A.”), he’d made his conclusion about the women of L.A., so he really didn’t expect much or hope for more. This made me sad.
I’m a big believer of keeping the faith. Hokey I know, and especially tough in this city where I dated for more than a decade and put up with all kinds of crappy behavior. Still, I didn’t write all men off, not even the cheaters, posers, and flakes. And I’m glad, because I think in the end, it served me. I’m now in a happy relationship, ironically with a man who was born and raised in this city, something I never pictured. But he isn’t flaky, or a cheater, or looking for the next better thing. He made his intentions clear from the start: he wanted me.
While it’s hard being left for another, or to feel as if you don’t matter, it’s not good to let your hurt feelings shape your perspective of dating and relationships as a whole. Even if you live in L.A. and it’s tempting to allow this to happen…after all, bad dates and relationships likely will happen again, after you’ve gotten over your last break-up. The hard part is, picking yourself up and moving on. Still believing that good people are out there who want the same things you do. The hard part is maintaining hope, which is why when you do find the relationship you’ve wanted, all the trouble seems worth it.
Check out my guest post on today’s Woman’s POV for BadOnlineDates.com! The subject? Cheating, of course. And learning to move on.
About Kelly Seal
Kelly is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. She blogs about dating, relationships, personal growth and what "healthy living" means to her. You can follow her on Google+, Twitter @kellyseal or through her website www.kellyseal.com.
Oh Kelly, I feel this guys pain. My friends and I were just talking about the flakiness of LA dating. I’m not an LA native & this BS irks me to no end. Since your taken, and I’m still single, feel free to send him my way. 😉
Thanks Zia…I didn’t get his contact info but if I can find him I will definitely send your way. I feel like so many people here feel the same way, so they need to find each other. Sigh.
Oh how a few bad apples can ruins someone’s perception. You just got to remind yourself that even though there are people like that, not everyone is. I spent a lot of time going out and dating around without any expectations. Did I meet some flaky people? Sure (although in Boston probably not as much as LA). But I also found a great woman who I’m now in a wonderful relationship with.
Keep looking, keep your head up, and you will find someone for you. And like you said Kelly, when you do meet that person, it makes the whole journey worth the effort.
This is such a true depiction of dating in L.A.. It is really the one and only thing I don’t love about the city.
Dating in L.A. is a different game entirely and bears little resemblance to dating in the rest of the world.
Hi Nick—thanks, it’s true even though it sounds like a line. L.A. is a different city to date for sure…I’ve dated in others and none have frustrated me quite so much. It takes a tough person to date here. In this way, I am proud of myself because I stuck it out. Or maybe I just got lucky in the end.
Brooke–I agree. Although my friends in other parts of the world seem to think their cities are the worst. I have to say, I’d rather date in L.A. than say, Smithville, TX. At least there is more choice.
I agree with Brooke. This is a clear picture of dating in LA.
PS I love your blog. Very honest and well written…
-Love
Hi Kelly,
I feel sorry for the British guy in your story. I think it just boils down to basic decency – if you are going to cheat, at least let your other half know that you just don’t want to be with them anymore (or if you are serious, that you don’t love them anymore) BEFORE you head off with someone else.
That way, feelings can get hurt – sure – but, the partner getting dumped won’t feel the resentment of being cheated on….
Great blog BTW, thanks for sharing !